Session Notes

wittenburgdoor.com

Several recent studies have shown the limited effectiveness of abstinence programs, leading many to the conclusion that we have simply set the bar too high for the advanced libido of today’s average teen. Our young people already face enough stresses in life without adding unnecessary ones. Churches should be building up our future leaders, not crushing them under a load of guilt. The answer to this problem is both clear and simple: If the expectations can’t be met, then lower the standards. Though we have already learned this principle in the arena of public education, once again, the Church is slow to catch on.

Jesus Himself said “My burden is light.”

That’s why we are proud to offer a “lite” version, or re-visioning of a popular abstinence program. We confront specific areas in which previous abstinence methods have failed, and offer exciting options.

Thanks Kathy for pointing this out…

Some links just don’t deserve to be hidden in the comments… Yes, it’s a parody — but it’s just as real as the insanity of purity ball/ring thing.

On the one side, we have Fundamentalist Evangelicalism — with their useless shame and purity balls. On the other we have the liberal left — with teachings that (Though well hidden) really do sound allot like the above link.

Seems either is so much better then addressing the real issue: Shame, guilt, fear and shattered relationship — you know, things WE WOULD actually have to change instead of just hammering our kids…

abcnews.com

At least nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, says a new report. And premarital sex isn’t new — the high rates include the sexual habits of women born in the 1940s, challenging the idea that sexual behaviors used to be more restrained.Sex has apparently become something of a young American habit. “It’s hard to stop the evolution of that urge,” said Judy Kuriansky, a sex therapist, media personality and adjunct professor of psychology at Columbia University Teachers College in New York.The report, published by the private Guttmacher Institute in New York, challenges the thinking behind government-funded programs that rely primarily on abstinence-only teachings. The study, released Tuesday, appears in the new issue of Public Health Reports.

So to summarize, everyone is having premarital sex. All the Christians are having premarital sex too — even those subjected to purity balls and purity rings. In fact, it matters not at all what race, sex or religion the persons hold, they are all having every sort of sex and the only reason they are not having babies all over the place is that, in spite of the US government and abstinence education, more and more of them have figured out contraception.

Oh ya, and 5% of Americans apparently lie on anonymous surveys about having sex…

PracticalHappiness.com:

” PracticalHappiness.com is dedicated to providing the most practical and effective dating and relationship advice on all aspects of dating and relationships for men and women. Do not settle for generic, mainstream, useless dating advice, driven by marketing and by telling people what they like to hear.

From becoming more attractive to the opposite sex, eye contact with women, pick-up lines, meeting and talking to singles, to other very useful dating tips and relationship advice for men, such as first date tips, how to flirt, on-line dating tips, confidence with women, self-esteem, insecurities and fear of rejection, advice on long-term relationships, including dealing with jealousy, commitment issues, escaping the friends zone with women,cheating and breaking up to advice for women on becoming a more attractive woman to men, being a classy woman, meeting quality single men, and other dating and relationship tips for women – this site will guide you toward finding answers to your most troubling dating and relationship questions.”

A client just asked for information on this subject and I figured I’d post the grand master…

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of information in this area — most has been driven by the pursuit of cash and has usually tell people what they want to hear — not what actually works.

This guy is giving most of his advice away for free — and it’s mostly quality.

The New Yorker

But, according to Add Health data, evangelical teen-agers are more sexually active than Mormons, mainline Protestants, and Jews. On average, white evangelical Protestants make their “sexual début”—to use the festive term of social-science researchers—shortly after turning sixteen. Among major religious groups, only black Protestants begin having sex earlier.

Another key difference in behavior, Regnerus reports, is that evangelical Protestant teen-agers are significantly less likely than other groups to use contraception. This could be because evangelicals are also among the most likely to believe that using contraception will send the message that they are looking for sex. It could also be because many evangelicals are steeped in the abstinence movement’s warnings that condoms won’t actually protect them from pregnancy or venereal disease. More provocatively, Regnerus found that only half of sexually active teen-agers who say that they seek guidance from God or the Scriptures when making a tough decision report using contraception every time. By contrast, sixty-nine per cent of sexually active youth who say that they most often follow the counsel of a parent or another trusted adult consistently use protection.

The gulf between sexual belief and sexual behavior becomes apparent, too, when you look at the outcomes of abstinence-pledge movements. Nationwide, according to a 2001 estimate, some two and a half million people have taken a pledge to remain celibate until marriage. Usually, they do so under the auspices of movements such as True Love Waits or the Silver Ring Thing. Sometimes, they make their vows at big rallies featuring Christian pop stars and laser light shows, or at purity balls, where girls in frothy dresses exchange rings with their fathers, who vow to help them remain virgins until the day they marry. More than half of those who take such pledges—which, unlike abstinence-only classes in public schools, are explicitly Christian—end up having sex before marriage, and not usually with their future spouse.

The stats just keep rolling in — Evangelical shame and Catholic guilt once again just doesn’t seem capable of arresting the misplaced human teen’s longing for love. Whatever shall we do???

Perhaps that might be a reason to offer it to them some other way — like maybe just being fathers and mothers to the fatherless and motherless???

Or, we could just launch another purity ball instead…

Q&A: Are we still chastened by the Lord?:

“I can know, good or bad, that He loves me and is not thwarted by all that crap. He didn’t bring us into a life that needs to be made better … but into a life that is connecting to everything I am and everything I do!”

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE TO TRY TO BE better. God seemed to say trusting Him is the OUTCOME. HE DOESN’T MAKE US LOVE HIM.

Q&A: Relating with a mom whose son is on drugs and stealing from :

“You know, when your child fails so badly it goes right to the core of you. It is right THERE that you are tempted to view yourself according to the measuring stick of performance. ”Where did I fail?“ will become the REAL question behind a million others. Do you try to ”fix“ things in the hopes of making up for your failure? Do you take a ”stand“ against the ”evil influences“ and the ”evil doers“ in our society? Do you begin to wonder why your child doesn’t measure up to your own standards? Or do you beat yourself up because you are sure that he/she has become the thing you might have been? ”

This article poses good questions to get to the heart of the matter of parenting issues. There is a touching grieving poem with hope.

Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy:

“n a therapy session, a husband’s numb withdrawal expands into a sense
of intimidation and helplessness. He can now assert his need for respect
and become more accessible to his wife.

He
moves from ”There is no point in talking to you. I don’t want to
fight.“ to ”I do want to be close. I want you to give me a chance.
Stop poking me and let me learn to dance with you.“
His
wife’s critical anger then expands into fear and sadness. She can now
ask for and elicit comfort.

She moves from ”You just don’t care. You don’t get it.“ to ”It
is so difficult to say – but I need you to hold me – reassure
me – can you?“”

I good overview of the process that grieving to the Lord can lead to in marital therapy.

Q&A: Can we help or hinder the work of God in our own lives and others?:

“ regarding your situation with your wife. What does your heart desire toward her? Do you often feel stifled from holding back from sharing life with her in some form or another? Do you keep your mouth shut in fear of screwing things up? Believe me, I understand all this.
I mean, it’s obvious to me that you don’t want her to get into a ”frenzy“, but I suspect you would love to share the life together with her in a very real and living way. True? But you often wonder, ”What’s the use?“, because you know God has to take care of it in His own way. But ”God’s way“ involves US into the sharing of His life. And you have known this desire in a powerful way.”

This is an excellent article regarding the difference between the religious meaning of ministry and the powerful desire of talking about reallife. Even though we are afraid to promote error, it seems to be God’s way that involves us into the sharing of His life. Our knowing the Lord is the one who does the real work truly frees us to be confident in our sharing.

Q&A: Can someone “walking in the Spirit” believe he has 2 natures?:

“it’s not surprising to discover that even ”scriptural“ points of view will get infused with the very same fleshly attitude of the one telling it.  As a prime example, I’m sure both of us have heard God’s wonderful grace incorporated into an arrogant doctrinal stance where those who ”hold“ it will somehow see themselves as if they deserve it.  Well, enough of that, you had another question, didn’t you?  ”

This is a good article that explores two senses of walking the Spirit.
1.) As believers we are always in the Spirit 2.) We either live by the frame of mind that we walk by our efforts or by grace. I pray God allows it be clear for all of us.

What to do if Someone You Know is Raped:

“ Victims of sexual assault are apt to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts – even months after the attack. With this in mind, every attempt should be made to encourage crisis intervention with trained counselors and social workers who are committed Christians.”

Increasing Intimacy in Marriage:

“As this analogy shows, over-dependence in marriage can lead spouses to become tired and resentful of carrying the burden for the other’s happiness. Over-dependence creates feelings of powerlessness and weakness because your happiness is in someone else’s hands. Complete independence is also unhealthy because it causes spouses to feel unneeded and lonely. Interdependence is a balance between over-dependence and independence. In an interdependent marriage, spouses feel needed without being overburdened. They feel a sense of freedom and power, understanding that their happiness is in their control and not in the hands of another person.”

This is a great article encouraging others to be interdependent so the person feels needed and not lonely. This is our prayer for all marriages.

intimacy in marriage:

“Everyone agreed that after a full day’s work both men and women are weary and exhausted. But when a husband seems to reserve all his attention for his work and shows no attention to his wife, she feels unloved. When that happens, instead of having a loving and sexually responsive wife, he will run the risk of being at continual odds with her. He will get wrath instead of warmth.”

This is an excellent series of articles on sustaining intimacy in marriage. Even though one sees the other through the Finished Work of Christ, it is important to share the feelings with each other/the Lord together.

Infidelity, Cheating Wives – Women’s Infidelity:

“Women at Stage 3 may also be
experiencing the ending of an extramarital
affair, and the ending may not have
been their decision. They may have been
involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could
not progress or who became attracted to
another women who was
single. Women whose affairs are
ending often experience extreme grief.
They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward
their husbands. They are typically unaware that they
are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden
changes in their brain chemistry.
As a result, many will feel that they have
missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.”

This is excellent article shows the feelings one experiences during the progression of affairs. The anger/sadness/confusion/feaars needs to be expressed to God so the block can be removed. An openness needs to be present before God so his best desires and joy for the marriage can flow once again.

Infidelity, Cheating Wives – Women’s Infidelity:

“Women’s
relationships today follow

a very
predictable pattern:

 

 


They
push men
for commitment


They get what they want


They



lose interest
in sex



They
become attracted to someone else



They
start cheating


They become angry
and resentful

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

They blame their partners for
their behavior…

               

and then…


They
slowly destroy their relationships and marriages”

This is a typical pattern. However if one gives the fear of love in the intimate relationship to the Lord, God’s sufficient love for the partners to give can flow once again. There is no blame necessary because the person does not realize they are doing the old and really doesn’t deep down want to do it. The new person in Christ is what is true.

What Your Teens Need to Know about Sex:

“Quick ideas about setting boundariesChildren and teens need boundaries for their safety. Children should understand the consequences of breaking family rules and boundaries. Consequences should fit the severity of the rule. The following are a few boundaries to discuss with your teen:CurfewTransporting other teens: who or how many people ride in one car together Drinking alcohol or using drugsDrinking alcohol or using drugs and driving Lying to parents or adults in authorityAllowing opposite-sex company in bedrooms Having friends over while parents are absent Age at which dating can beginDating vs. courting: discuss family values and guidelines”

This is a good article of a vision for teenage relationships. However, the law-based Christianity mindset is laced through it. The piece needs to be changed to focus only on Jesus.

GOT A CLUE ABOUT YOUR GQ*?:

“ It always hurts to break up. And it reeks when you’re not the one choosing to end it. (That’s one reason many of you choose courtship over dating.) But when it’s over, it’s best to let it be over. Give it some time to let the awkwardness and pain go away before trying to be best buds with the girl. So you’re trying to take Ling at her word with b? Sounds like you’re trying to put words in her mouth—and feelings in her heart. And a? DUH! Minus 5.
9. The lesson to remember here is that when a girl says she doesn’t like you like that, she means . . . she doesn’t like you like that. Don’t take it as a total rejection. Instead, be content with the great friendship with a cool girl. You’ll still get to hang out with her and do stuff in groups. What an awesome chance to learn more about women. That’s probably even better than taking this quiz.”

This article has some good points on relating to women. Trying to make something happen is true, especially for women.

IS HOLDING HANDS ENOUGH?:

“Okay, I get the picture. But I’m not sure it applies with girls. After all, prolonged kissing won’t make you a sex addict, will it?”
No. But even this minor step gets old after a while. While your lips are busy, there’s nothing to do with your hands. Or is there?“

These are some good thoughts to consider, especially for teens. It has to do with the level of true commitment one has with each other towards marriage. Both of the partners ways may need be given to God.

WHY DO YOU WANT A GIRLFRIEND?:

“So there’s this girl. Yeah, we know: She’s fun, pretty, spiritually strong, and a good friend. You love hanging out with her, and you’ve started wondering about taking things to the next level—you know, a relationship. But why?
It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. You know each other well. You have fun hanging out together without the awkwardness of being a couple. And you’re getting great practice in learning how to relate to the opposite sex.
So in all your deep contemplation, ask yourself these questions:
• Why do I want this girl friend to become my girlfriend?”

These are some excellent questions to ask regarding the timing of a serious relationship.

SIX LIES ABOUT SEX:

“One day she said, ”I don’t think you love me. All you ever want to do is kiss.“ She spat the last word like poison. Her bitterness ran deep. Having thrown away the boundaries, they had ”kissed“ far more than each others lips. She almost gave him back the ring.
Dave wanted to scream, that it wasn’t his idea to kiss in the first place. But he didn’t. Dave knew that being the relationship’s leader, he’d made bad choices. He couldn’t blame her.
The couple backed off to cooler, more manageable boundaries. They stopped kissing, but the scars were there. Scars don’t go away.
When the wedding day came, technically Dave and his bride were still virgins. But as ”technical virgins“ on the most special day of their lives, they didn’t feel too special. They had acted like impatient children at Christmas. The gift of sex had been partially unwrapped. When they finished unwrapping it the night they got married, it wasn’t much of a surprise.
Years later, Dave still feels the sting of his wrong choices. With the clarity of hindsight, here are a few of the lies he believed:”

This is an excellent article that outlines the progression of physical relationships. However there is still an emphasis on the rules, even though it says there are none. The law-based legalism of the culture is what causes the guilt. The Lord just wants us to have as much happiness/surprise that anticipation elicits. The lies need to be given to God so His perspective and way can be lived out in the believers.

The Princess Wish :

“Respectable and
Admirable

A princess doesn’t compete with a prince. Just the
opposite, she builds him up. It’s her admiration and
respect that inspire the prince and compel him to
greatness. When he sees that he’s a hero in her eyes,
it’s no wonder he’s willing to suffer for her. A hero will
go through anything to keep an admiring princess by
his side.
These qualities of princesses from long ago are still the
virtues that attract a prince today. And they’re already
yours. If you’re a daughter of the King, these graces
are your royal heritage. Like Mia in The Princess
Diaries, all you need to do is practice them through
the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s not just a wish or a fairy
tale, it’s the wonderful truth.”

This is a captivating article for teenage girls. The sections about sin are more better stated in terms of giving up your way. After which those loving qualities of God will be lived out in you. It is affirming to know the Father wants you to give him your heart. He wants to give His best to you, especially in terms of the timing of a spouse. May it be so for my girls, nieces and friends, God willing in them.

Cash Clash: What’s Below the Surface?:

“ Don’t begin your conversations in a negative tone and expect something positive to come out of it.Be kind and compassionate to one another…—Eph. 4:32(KJV)Am I harboring unresolved hurt or resentment? Sometimes it’s easier to argue about money than to admit when we have hurt feelings. If your spouse has hurt you and you’re still harboring that hurt — or maybe even resentment — you’re going to see everything through that filter of hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you’ll be more likely to overreact.”

This is a good article encouraging on to give God the hurt and anger quickly so His Spirit can bring about an objective conflict resolution discussion with ones spouse. If one is living out God’s life of integrity/compassion/love it inspires the other to do so as well if He/she is a believer. There need not be judgement so honesty and trust can flow freely. These are the core/root issues.

Financial Authority:

“ The plan needs to be fair and equal for all concerned. Remember that a marriage is a partnership and partners share in all things. Avoid the ”his money, her money“ or the ”I deserve this because“ attitude.”

This is a good article because it talks about the role of spouses to balance the extremes of the other in decisions. One is not sinful because Jesus took the offenses away. Submitting your life or remebering it all is submitted is essential.

Shovel Writings: The Peace of Christ – 2:

“ Now, was Paul
teaching us to learn to distinguish the feelings of the Spirit from the
feelings of the world?  Was he then asking us to trust those
feelings of peace we get from the Spirit?  Is this what it means
to be ”led by the Spirit“?  It may be the popular teaching, but if
Paul TAUGHT it where did he WRITE it?  I read his letters and I
see someone who would never establish a practice of making
decisions based on a relative sense of ”peace“.  Instead, he
constantly insisted on basing all things on what Christ had ALREADY
accomplished. ”

This is an excellent article clearly stating that God is leading through His Spirit 24/7. (ROM 8:14) This is a great article for married couples who sometimes have difficulty completely trusting their spouse is in “God’s will.”

But I Don’t Feel Like It:

“Decide to take ”divorce“ out of your dictionary. My husband, Bill, and I have counseled couples back to happiness from all kinds of crises: loss of a child, loss of a home, all kinds of addictions, affairs, and a whole lot of ”I’m tired of trying.“ The Bible does give a few allowances for what we call the 3 A’s (Affairs, Abuse, Abandonment) — but just because you feel you can file for divorce doesn’t mean you should! Look at Hosea and Gomer in the Bible. That’s redeeming love, the kind of love God”

This article discusses the biblical reasons for divorce.

Understanding Biased Perceptions:

“ although it is often biased perception that makes an alternative seem more satisfying, it is possible to become attracted to someone who actually would be more satisfying to you than your mate. There may be something missing in your marriage that you desperately want, and although it might develop later, it also might not. It’s painful to have this realization. It can also make you resentful and angry. If that’s your situation, it’s better to acknowledge it and grieve for the loss rather than letting it erode your dedication to your mate. Otherwise, you could lose all you have built together.”

This is a good article stressing the need to focus on that Jesus took away the bad in your spouse. There is no need for revenge or judgement.

Togetherness: Making It Work:

“hings changed on their third anniversary. They made a commitment to each other: No matter what, they would learn how to connect and develop intimacy. They began studying the Bible and praying together, and attended every marriage conference they could find. They made spending time together a hobby; where you saw one, you’d see the other. They took up golf and skiing. For the next 20 years they would have at least one date a week.”

This is a good article. However one needs to surrender the relationship to God to allow Him to develop the closeness in His timing.

Growing in Oneness:

“Is that how Jesus became ”one“ with His disciples? No. He understood the value of spending time with them, talking, teaching, dining, and experiencing happy and challenging moments together. There were times when Jesus needed to be alone, but He understood the value of being with His followers, too. In the end, He gave His life for them and they gave theirs for Him — the ultimate testimony of oneness.”

This is a good article discussing that having someone over or being away from your spouse a lot does not build the closeness both desire but are afraid to create.

Feelings of Doubt and Uncertainty:

“Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused — wondering whether she’d made the wrong decision about marriage. She loved Ted and was thankful for him, realizing she couldn’t have asked for a better man. But she struggled with having to give up her ”alone time“ and sense of freedom. After praying, studying the Bible, and getting direction from Christian friends, Nicole began to see that her feelings were normal and that most people experience them.”

I went through those feelings of the loss of my singleness that needed to be grieved. The transition from independence to interdependence is difficult but necessary.

Viewing Your Spouse in a New Light:

“Desire. You viewed your husband during courtship as you wanted to see him. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally create that person in a way that will make us happiest.”

This is a good synopsis as the reasons that romantic love turns into the friendship stage. If grace isn’t given/received it is unlikely to mature.

The Truth About Domestic Violence:

“ A woman in a cohabiting relationship tends to see moving in with her mate as a step towards marriage, while a man tends to regard the relationship as more of a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment.9 If a woman views a live-in relationship as the developmental stage toward marriage, and a cohabiting man hangs on to his ring-free, wild weekends with his buddies, great potential exists for conflict to develop over defining relationship boundaries. Too often in cohabiting relationships, conflict escalates into violence.”

This is a good article showing how different expectations, not necessarily wrong ones can lead to controlling violence. These expectations needs to be surrrendered to the Lord so He best will emerge in His timing.

Sexual addiction – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

“According Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows) – the cycle begins with the ”Core Beliefs“ that sex addicts hold:

”I am basically a bad, unworthy person.“
”No one would love me as I am.“
”My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.“
”Sex is my most important need.“

These beliefs drive the addiction on its progressive and destructive course:

Pain agent

First a pain agent is triggered / emotional discomfort (e.g. shame, anger, unresolved conflict) Sex addict is not able to take care of the pain agent in a healthy way.

Disassociation.

Prior to acting out sexually, the sex addict goes through a period of mental preoccupation or obsession. Sex addict begins to disassociate (moves away from his feelings). A separation begins to take place between his mind and his emotional self.

Altered state of consciousness / a trance state / bubble of euphoric fantasized experience”

Shovel Writings: Counting the cost:

“His message to man was simple: you don’t have what it takes to follow Me.  This only highlights the amazing reality of God’s grace toward us in making us the righteousness of God and giving us His Spirit. It is no surprise that you now want to follow Jesus!!  ”

It is easy to die to self when you want to do it. Jesus will give the sufficiency, not ourselves.

When Your Parents Divorce:

“ in any case forgiveness can be a challenge, I pray and ask God for strength. I ask Him to change my heart to be graceful toward others, just as He is graceful toward me. Daily as I choose to forgive and not become bitter, negative feelings flow away and peace floods my heart.”

This is an excellent article to grieve your way through parental/separation and divorce to God. It outlines that confusion as one feels love for both parents yet also feels obligated to take sides/peacemake. The only exception I have to it is the tendency to mix the old covenant of sin with the new covenant of grace. The old has been done away with in Christ. The only law that remains is love and the true gospel is peace/joy. This truly glorifies God.

One preacher’s message: Have hotter sex – America Unzipped – MSNBC.com :

“No inhibitionsThis literalist view cuts both ways. Beam has been attacked by some conservative Christians for his liberal take on certain subjects. Much of what he preaches contradicts the teaching of other sects, such as Roman Catholicism. But he argues that if the Bible does not forbid it, you can do it. So bring on masturbation. Try any position in the Kama Sutra (but refer to drawings, please, not pictures of real people). Wife away on business? Have phone sex. Birth control is good. Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.”

This is a refreshing article on sex. It even has suggestion on how to make male oral play more pallitable for the women. I disagree with the law parts.

Money and Your Marriage:

“Money. It’s the one thing there never seems to be enough of and the one thing couples fight about most. She likes to shop and he likes to save. She wants to save for a rainy day and he wants to splurge on the trip of a lifetime. Each has their own definition of needs versus wants. ”

This is a good synopsis of the marital trouble regarding money. The definitions need to be surrendered to God for His priorities to be lived out in His most timely way. Both aspects seem to be the Lord’s will.

Hard Truths About Trust :

“The fact that we are made uncomfortable by the
Bible’s repeated calls to trust God is probably an
indication that we have too often been living like
practical atheists — uncritically trusting
ourselves, not acknowledging God or remembering His
past faithfulness, and failing to meditate on His
trustworthiness.

The Bible repeatedly tells us that to ultimately trust in
anything or anyone but God is a disastrous
mistake:

”He who trusts in himself is a fool“ (Prov. 28:26). The New King
James renders this verse in a way that speaks to many
in our day who are given to thinking their individual
subjective desires are always correct, ”He who trusts in
his heart is a fool.“”

Hard Truths About Trust :

“The fact that we are made uncomfortable by the
Bible’s repeated calls to trust God is probably an
indication that we have too often been living like
practical atheists — uncritically trusting
ourselves, not acknowledging God or remembering His
past faithfulness, and failing to meditate on His
trustworthiness.

The Bible repeatedly tells us that to ultimately trust in
anything or anyone but God is a disastrous
mistake:

”He who trusts in himself is a fool“ (Prov. 28:26). The New King
James renders this verse in a way that speaks to many
in our day who are given to thinking their individual
subjective desires are always correct, ”He who trusts in
his heart is a fool.“”

This is a fantastic article on underlining that the peace and joy are found only when our greatest trust is placed in Jesus. It also has some good guidance on to propose or not to become engaged. (the person has godliness, strength, and you enjoy each other’s compamny. It has some description of family of origin issues to grieve. We are not doomed to our histories, but may have to have God reshape our thinking because of them. (ROM 12:1-2) The only exception I take to this article is it points on sin. It is not the most helpful to live life looking at failures rather than trusting in the grace of God to come. However it is tragic when youth is wasted on prodigal living. It does seem ironic that in view of all that Christ has done, taking sin away, that we cannot fully trust Him. I pray He would live out the faith we are to have in Him.

Biblical Dating: An Introduction :

“Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional ‘wiring’ or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complimentarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family). Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well. Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.”

The first part of the article aside, the comparisons between modern and Biblical dating are helpful. They offer so principles that need to be surrendered to have the closest to God’s best.

The Four G’s - Peacemaker Ministries :

“Another key principle of peacemaking involves an effort to help others understand how they have contributed to a conflict. When Christians think about talking to someone else about a conflict, one of the first verses that comes to mind is Matthew 18:15: ‘If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.’ If this verse is read in isolation, it seems to teach that we must always use direct confrontation to force others to admit they have sinned. If the verse is read in context, however, we see that Jesus had something much more flexible and beneficial in mind than simply standing toe to toe with others and describing their sins. Just before this passage, we find Jesus’ wonderful metaphor of a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt. 18:12%u201314). Thus, Matthew 18:15 is introduced with a theme of restoration, not condemnation. Jesus repeats this theme just after telling us to ‘go and show him his fault’ by adding, ‘If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.’ And then he hits the restoration theme a third time in verses 21%u201335, where he uses the parable of the unmerciful servant to remind us to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt. 18:21%u201335). Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of their wrongs. Similarly, Galatians 6:1 gives us solid counsel on our what our attitude and purpose ought to be when we go to our brother. ‘Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.’ Our attitude should be one of gentleness rather than anger, and our purpose should be to restore rather than condemn.”

I great article on the purpose of truth in love. However I think we need to affirm a believers heart is always good.

Mens Health

Can’t Tell the Players Without a Scorecard

“So much subliminal information is conveyed in those first seconds of contact,” says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., a relationship therapist and psychology instructor at Harvard medical school. Okay, so you’re on the clock. Make every second count. Below are 10 ways – in rough chronological order – a woman judges your fitness to be her proverbial daddy.

OK, so, it’s crass, cynical and the entire site is largely focused on presenting a fraudulent image of yourself so you can get into a woman’s pants — but it’s also true. Men who desire marriage would do well to actually look at their hearts and lives and ask whether what is being faked here is actually true for them — and if not, why not?

Feelings of Doubt and Uncertainty:

“Losing something leaves us feeling sad. But as we grow in our relationship with the person we committed to, the grief can turn to joy and contentment. It’s common for young couples to experience various levels of ‘buyer’s remorse.’ That was the case with Nicole and Ted. Nicole had waited for many years to find the right man to spend the rest of her life with. At age 33, she met Ted. Within 13 months they were married in her hometown of Atlanta. Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused, wondering whether she’d made the wrong decision about marriage.”

It is thinking in terms of the family instead of one that closeness/oneness occurs. It is vital i marriage. When this happens you will say I could not have married a better man, as I believe I did. You will enjoy your spouse in the fullest sense, as I do.

Adjusting to Married Life: Becoming One:

“I miss being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.’ And here’s a favorite that marriage therapists hear often: ‘If two becoming one means that I disappear as a person, forget it!’ If you feel like this, don’t think you’re alone or that your situation is hopeless. The following quotations illustrate the fact that the adjustment period from aloneness to togetherness is often complex:”

This is a good brief article on some of the hopeless feelings of marriage that need to be grieved to God. It is challenging to blend personalities and desires together but it is rewarding.

Viewing Your Spouse in a New Light:

“Desire. You viewed your husband during courtship as you wanted to see him. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally create that person in a way that will make us happiest.So the question becomes, ‘What do I do now that I’ve found out he’s different from the way I thought he was?’ Debating whether he misrepresented himself or you misread him won’t solve anything. Here are three actions you can take. Choose to love him. We’re told in Ephesians 5:32 that marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church. There are inadequacies in the church, yet Christ still loves her.”

This is a good article in understanding the reasons romantic love matures after the honeymoon. I disagree with the judging part of it. Why would we need to judge if everything we have comes from god. It is His job to change/reveal more of our godly character not the counsellor or wife.

Why Isn’t My Husband the Person I Thought He Was?:

“It’s more like ’selective expression.’ He behaved in a way that he figured would increase your likelihood of saying, ‘I do.’ He put his best foot and shiniest shoe forward. Some of his behavior during those days probably wasn’t so deliberate. Thinking of you thrilled his heart during courtship. That type of romantic fire shapes one’s actions; loving deeds come easily to one so smitten by romance. You probably felt the same excitement, with your reactions being affected as well. In Luke 6:32, Jesus conveys this principle with the question, ‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?’ Reciprocating romantic love comes naturally to most people. Over time, it’s common for the romance, and therefore some of the motivation for ‘good behavior’ to fade somewhat.”

This article is encouraging to spouses who feel they don’t love their spouses anymore. I disagree with the word deception. However I prefer the grace term selective expression.

Husbands and Wives: What to Do if You Suspect Your Spouse Is Viewing Pornography:

“If it appears your spouse may have viewed pornography on limited occasions in the past, pick a time the two of you can talk confidentially about the matter. You may want to wait until you have a free evening together. One idea is to plan a date. On the way to your favorite restaurant, take three or four minutes to calmly talk about what you have discovered. Then quietly wait for your mate to talk. Be careful not to raise your voice, make accusations of a worse problem, or impart shame. Over dinner or dessert, reaffirm your unconditional love for your spouse. For women, it is important not to shame your husband. Affirm your relief that his connection to pornographic Web sites has been infrequent and not a recent occurrence. Inform him that you’ve deleted the photos and links from your computer. Acknowledge that you love your husband unconditionally, respect him greatly, and realize it’s normal for men to be tempted to look at pornography.”

This article exemplifies a truth encounter with love which one can feel. It does not continue to talk about what it means to encourage a believer that one is to focus on the spiritual self as the physical (sinning one is dead).

BA: Where to Meet People :

“You might think I’d recommend the Internet. Given the high number of Christian dating sites, it’s tempting to think finding love online is a sure thing. But the explosion of technological matchmaking still falls short of real people. According to research by The Marriage Project, ‘The most likely way to find a future marriage partner is through an introduction by family, friends, or acquaintances.’ They found that, ‘despite the romantic notion that people meet and fall in love through chance or fate, the evidence suggests that social networks are important in bringing together individuals of similar interests and backgrounds, especially when it comes to selecting a marriage partner. According to a large-scale national survey of sexuality, almost 60 percent of married people were introduced by family, friends, co-workers or other acquaintances.’ That said, the most obvious place to start is church. But you say the men in your church aren’t ‘worthwhile’ or ‘husband material.’ While it’s possible there aren’t any strong candidates for marriage among those in your congregation, your description of the men makes me wonder about your expectations. What characteristics do you consider worthwhile? What makes for good husband material? It’s important to weigh your answers against the standards of Scripture. What does God consider ‘husband material?’ Traits like integrity, honesty and maturity come to mind; also willingness to leave father and mother in order to form a new family; ability to work hard and provide for a wife and children; openness to babies and willingness to sacrifice for wife and children %u2014 the very thing Christ modeled in His sacrifice for our sin. As to your church, is it an environment that encourages and celebrates marriage? If so, even a lack of single men may not be reason enough to leave it. What about the older members? They may have sons, nephews, grandsons, etc. they could introduce you to.”

This is a good article on the importance of staying on track so you don’t waste time and spare you heartache. I disagree with the marriagablity part. It is God who creates all things including marriage.

Plenty of Men to Go Around, Part 2 :

“the older have a vital role to play in helping them marry well.”

This is a good article on the importance of older women who are a rich resource with a wealth of life, wisdom, spiritual guidance, and dispassionate objectivity to encourage women. there is also an enlightening survey of where to meet men.

On Run-on Relationships – TrueU.org : Women’s Hall:

“This sort of deep-seated ambivalence isn’t good for anyone. When your best friend is in a relationship with a man who’s fundamentally ambivalent, you can tell her plainly that she deserves better and should extricate herself %u2014 but when you’re the one in the fraught relationship, it is often harder to see the costs of devoting so much emotional energy to such an uncertain situation. Pots and Pans, Birds and Bees Another danger of endless dating relationships is our tendency to play house. The longer you date someone, the more you become inclined toward a certain kind of faux domesticity. You’re not likely to buy pots and pans with a guy you’ve been dating for two months, but it can seem a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you’ve been dating for two years. This playing house can feel enjoyable, but, in fact, it is disordered. You buy something with someone when you assume you have a long-term future together. But when you’re dating, you have no way of knowing if you have a long-term future, and to make purchases as though you do is to delude yourself. (I know whereof I speak: The list of quasi-domestic purchases I made with those ex-boyfriends could fill up the rest of this column.) Your desire to make long-term investments with someone else may be a useful clue: it may tell you that you do indeed want to spend your life with this particular man. But make the commitment before you buy the accoutrements.”

This is a great article on why we stay in relationships where one is toyed with more than enjoyed.

Brother, You’re Like a Six :

“We are to use Scripture as the measure of our desires. We are to take every thought, every area of our lives captive to the word of God. Thankfully, ‘attraction’ does play a role in finding a husband or wife. Read Song of Songs sometime. Biblically, however, attraction as the world understands it cannot be the foundation on which a godly marriage is built. Let’s examine two problems with the ‘attraction-as-foundation’ approach to dating and marriage %u2014 one theological, one practical %u2014″

This is a good article on qualities to look for in a mate. It is also an encouragement that God gives us pleasure to make marriage intimacy sweeter.

BA: How Important is a Parental Blessing? :

“I know three years sounds like a long time, but it’s not forever. Jacob worked seven years before marrying Rachel. The worse case scenario may be that you wait. If marriage is meant to be, it will still make sense in three years, and the rest of your life together is a long time.”

This is a good article regarding waiting for God’s timing. Jacob waited 7 years for Rachel. However the justification part about attitudes seems to be another Christianized version of living by the law.

Humility That Attracts and Encourages :

“While we women exercise trust in God by waiting to be pursued, men exercise trust in God by risking rejection. Because of that, I always encourage my brothers in Christ to sow to godly masculinity and not passivity to be more concerned with their own actions and motivations than the outcome of their pursuit.”

Interesting points except the part about self-righteiousness. One just need faith in the dating season.

From the Heart:

” I feel spiritually dead when I don’t take the time to get in the Word or write in my prayer journal. I have a responsibility to be a mouthpiece for God when doing shows, so I know I need to be as spiritually stable as I can be. When Krystal is on the road, it’s easy to make up excuses for not spending time in the Word, but when she hasn’t taken that time, she says her shows are terrible. Without starting my day by asking God, How do You want to use me today? I walk around in a zombie-state, she says. I don’t want to play my guitar. I don’t have the drive to get up and practice, sound check or do my vocal warm ups. I feel like a vegetable. Describing herself as stubborn, Krystal says getting that motivation back sometimes requires God knocking on her heart, saying, I miss talking with you.”

After reading this point, I realized I felt this way the majority of my school and teen years. I also needed someone to encourage and challenge me in the faith.

The Awesomeness of Humility – TrueU.org : Student Lounge:

“biblical basis for why we should be humble. He points out verses which show that God ‘opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’ (James 4:6, NIV). God ‘guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way’ (Psalm 25:9). Scripture makes it clear that God wants us to be humble. Del then goes on to point out the humility seen in Jesus. In Matthew 11:29, Jesus states that He is ‘gentle and humble in heart.’ It also obviously took a lot of humility for Christ to die on the cross. In fact, Philippians 2:5-8 says:”

This is a really good article for married couples hurt by one another. We are to reconcile despite the hurt as long as it is physically safe/ show love/pursural in our hearts again. We do not wait until they change. Christ sacrificed for us while we were still sinners. Our love is to be long-suffering with the hope that one day we will benefit.

Ask Theophilus: Farewells :

” In that case you would not yet be capable of the gift of Self. It wouldn’t be your love but your inability to love that hindered the girl from her true good. My advice to you in that case would be to try, with the grace of God, to become the sort of person who is capable of love. Another possibility is that you really do love the girl, but she doesn’t love you in return. I mean, of course, that she doesn’t love you that way. Whatever joy she experiences in romantic love will be with someone else. In that case, yes, you should back off. You may be tempted to be a pest; don’t give in, because that wouldn’t be loving at all. You may be tempted to pine away; don’t give in to that temptation either, because it is more about self-pity than about love, more about you than about her. If you love a girl who will never love you in return, seek God’s grace to sublimate your erotic love for her into the spiritual love of charity. Be grateful to God that you knew her, but be willing to fall in erotic love with someone else.”

This is a great article on avoiding self-blame. Your love being returned fills you with awe. I disagree with the judgement in places. It is just that another person could be on a different timetable. Be generous in spirit.

Husbands and Wives: Why Isn’t Marriage the Way I Thought It Would Be?:

“Tom’s expectations about marriage weren’t being met. Through reading and counseling he finally recognized that those expectations were an effort to cope with a painful childhood. Growing up, he’d often been under his mother’s controlling thumb. He’d brought into marriage a vow that he’d never get close enough to his wife to let her control him as Mom had. As a result, he’d never gotten close enough to truly connect with Jill. Tom had to work through his hurts before he could begin to relate to Jill in a more meaningful way. The two of them met periodically over coffee with a seasoned couple in their church, learning what they might expect in each new stage of marriage. They still have struggles. But Tom is learning more about God’s expectations for their marriage. Unless he depends on God for the ability to love Jill, he doesn’t have a prayer to make it happen. He’s also learning that by staying true to his marriage, he’s growing in ways he never thought possible.”

This is a good explanation of the importance of grieving through family of origin issues and surrendering vows. I disagree that we grow. It is God’s work of loving others through us that produces the so called growth.

Get Married, Young Man :

“t’s significant that an elder should be one who manages his own family well (1 Tim 3:4). Paul apparently saw this as a litmus test of how a man will lead in God’s church. By trying to love my wife as Christ loves me (sacrificially, intentionally, perseveringly), I am blessed by reaping the good fruit that comes from a joyful partner and friend. Likewise, my failures are amplified because both she and I suffer. “

This is a good article on the questions of determining singleness or marriage. I find it contradicts in places, especially that it is by God’s grace that we reflect our growth through the Lord’s redemptive efforts. It is helpful to know some of God’s desires come slowly and seem unnatural. However Jesus will make it unmistakably clear.

Solomon’s Line on Premarital Sex :

“he stages of a relationship that start with a glance and eventually lead to the honeymoon, the author charges us three times, ‘Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases,’ or, as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson in The Message, ‘Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe, and you’re ready.’ I often point to this book when people, usually young singles, ask me about relationships and pre-marital sex. They want to know, where, exactly, does the Bible talk about pre- or extra-marital sex, when neither partner is married. They know about the adultery prohibitions, and they agree you shouldn’t have sex with someone who is someone else’s spouse. But where does it talk about not having sex if there is no spouse involved? You have two consenting adults, and neither has made any vow to any other person, so it’s not technically adultery. What’s wrong with that? Does the Bible speak to those situations? I like to start with Solomon’s Song, because it celebrates the whole package of the relationship initial attraction, exciting emotions, longing, and sexual intimacy and it connects all of this to the proper context or timing, “

This is a good guideline on Scriptural guidelines and a vision for love and sex in God’s timing when you are both ready.

Iaaieeeaaieeeaaieee Will Always Love You (As Long As You Meet My Expectations) – TrueU.org : Men’s Hall:

“One more thing: remember that we weren’t put here alone. Christians need other Christians to function properly, just like the body needs all its parts in order to operate correctly. So, seek out counsel from those who are trying to adopt God’s heart and mind, too. I’m Starting With the Man in the Mirror Relationships are not supposed to be easy; that was never their purpose. (We’ll explore this purpose in future articles.) In our Western culture, relationships are abandoned so often because we have deceived ourselves into thinking that we are in control of them. When this delusion is exposed, however, we typically do not abandon our false perceptions of ourselves. Instead, we just move on to the next relationship, hoping that it will allow us more control than the last one. If we seek to have a biblical view of ourselves, of other people, and of God, our expectations will shift from hoping that others become like us to hoping that God (through others) will make us more like Him.”

This article offers some basic support and direction. I disagree with the striving part of the article rather than God’s revealing to us that we live in.

Husbands and Wives: If Your Spouse Is Having an Affair:

“Cling to the promise that — with God’s help — even the most broken marriage can be saved.

Remember, nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to have an extramarital affair. A person has been unfaithful in heart and mind long before he or she begins an affair.

Be patient. It takes time to begin to rebuild trust, love and commitment.”

These are some good prayer points. However the “Why” needs to be directed to God.

Husbands and Wives: Rebuilding Trust in the Aftermath of an Affair:

“Prior to my infidelity, I had ministered at a conservative seminary for nine years, and had been intimately involved in my church. This background made the healing process more difficult for my wife in some ways, because the things I pursued spiritually appeard to be the same things I had done in the past. In my wife’s words, ‘They didn’t work then to keep you from sin why should I trust them now?’ Being an ‘isolationist,’ I had to force myself to seek solid male Christian fellowship. Daily I am in the Word. Prayer has become paramount in my life, both as a weapon of war and an oasis. Wednesday night prayer group at our church has been a healing balm. The last thing I do before I sleep at night is take my wife in my arms and pray.”

This is a good article on steps to reconciliation after infidelity.

Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend :

“So your goal should not be to date her long enough until you’re confident marriage won’t be hard, but to date her just long enough to discern if you’re willing to love her sacrificially, and if she’s willing to respond to that kind of love.

Remember that to commit does not mean to settle

Does this mean you should just ’settle’ for the first Christian woman who comes along? No, not at all. You should be making this decision in light of the qualities held out in Scripture for a godly wife, and you should marry the godliest, most fruitful, most spiritually beautiful woman you can convince to have you.

But you also need to be aware that you live in a culture that says the ultimate good in life is to always keep your options open, and that any commitment is inevitably ’settling’ for less than you could have tomorrow. You must reject that kind of thinking for the worldly garbage that it is. Did Jesus Christ settle for the church? No, he loved the church, and gave his life as a ransom for her (Mark 10:45).”

This is a really good article on discussing the importance of grace being revealaed in your partners as the days pass. I don’t agree with the sin paragraph.

What Girls Wish You Knew :

“After getting to know Anna for a semester his freshman year of college, my brother began experiencing feelings for her. She was my best friend, so the three of us naturally hung out and they connected easily. Matt decided he wanted to pursue Anna, so one evening he invited her to a coffee shop to talk.

Anna recalls that the music was loud, so my brother practically yelled as he began to tell her all the qualities he appreciated in her. Just as Matt was building momentum, a song suddenly ended. At that moment, every person in that coffee shop heard him say loudly, ‘I really like you.’ Anna, now Matt’s wife, fondly recalls the embarrassment of that moment. That night she was taken by surprise and unable to reciprocate Matt’s feelings, but she was impressed by his directness. Within two months, she had gone from seeing him as my little brother to being enamored with his bold leadership and corny jokes.

Joe may feel like throwing in the towel, but he may be closer than he thinks to a breakthrough. The women in his life aren’t looking for perfection. They are watching for consistent kindness, unflinching respect and honest initiative.

As Joe cultivates these characteristics, women will notice. And Joe may realize they’re not looking for J. Crew Jesus after all they’re looking for Jesus in him.”

Aside from the section about sin/accoubntability rarely produces desire for God which makes sin a non-issue, this article is inspiring because offers “Seeking God’s face” guidelines to seriously consider a potenital martial relationship. The power of prayerful intentionality was the drawing card of me to my husband.

Caught in a Crush :

“These experiences hint at the type of closeness we hope for in the world to come, where we will be known, even as we are fully known, as we experience an intimacy with God and all redeemed creatures that we can only faintly imagine now. The aches we experience remind us that we still live here, in our shadowy bodies and broken world. But our longings can also remind us that we are moving toward something more. On the most fundamental level, our aches point homeward. As Frederick Buechner wrote, ‘Beneath the longing to possess and to be possessed by the beauty of another sexually %u2014 to know, in the Biblical idiom %u2014 there lies a longing, closer to the heart of the matter still, which is the longing to be at last where we finally belong…. When I think of all the beautiful ones whom I have seen for maybe no more than a passing moment and have helplessly, overwhelmingly desired, I wonder if at the innermost heart of my desiring, there wasn’t, of all things, homesickness.’”

This is a great article on dealing with the longings we all have for Heaven which are misplaced onto others. I disagree with the sinful spouses definition. It is more areas which the grace of God has not been realized, the unmet needs of childhood, and the temptation of the Evil one.

Teenage Heartbreak:

“A person’s faith is also a good indicator as to the health of the relationship, Matt says. If a guy doesn’t love you for your faith, character and personality, then he’s more than likely with you for other reasons. You can tell how a guy really feels about you by how he treats you, by the things he says to you, and how he chooses to show his affection for you. Don’t forget to check your faith, too. If you don’t have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ, take the time to grow that before you get involved with a new relationship. When things get tough and your feelings start to get overwhelming, remember these wise words of Eleventyseven: Guys and girls may break your heart but [God will] always be there. “

This is a good basic article on determining if a guy genuinely likes you. It is an encouraging reminder that even strong feelings will decline with new circumstances. I also feel grieving is needed.

The Influence of Fathers: :

“Involved fathers find the time to attend their children’s games and recitals. They pull themselves away from the TV to show their children how to change a tire and balance a checkbook. They set firm limits and encourage their kids to do their best even when they fail. Take a look at the questions below. What did you need from your father that he gave you? What did you need but didn’t receive? How did his positive input help you to succeed? How did the negative aspects possibly set a series of consequences into motion that you may still experience?”

This is a good article on the history of the influence of fatherhood and specifics of necessary guidance.

A Date With Dad: :

“Do something different. Sure, your child likes it when you take him out for pizza. But how about getting a slice at a nearby college town and then surprising him with tickets to a game?”

This paternal interaction sets the tone for respect and discernment in her dating years. If Dad is interested in you it will be feel natural for a guy to be deeply interested in you. One will expect nothing less.

HOW SHOULD A GUY CRACK THE GIRL CODE?:

“Does she go out of her way to be near you? You know, like when you u’re sitting with the guys at youth group . . . and she just happens to be in a seat right behind you (on more than one occasion!). Do you sense that she’s making an effort to talk to you? I don’t mean the Glad you’re here-type of small talk. Is she trying to get to know you through conversation? Is she genuinely interested in your life? Is she flirting with you? Whether we realize it or not, girls and guys flirt the same way: awkward body movements, goofy grins, dreamy stares. Bottom line: Don’t try to force romance. Keep your cool, muster up the courage and make an effort to befriend a lot of girls. You’ll know when the right one likes you.”

This are some good guidelines and discernment tools to help determine if a guy/girl will be interested in you romantically.

Office Hours: New, Improved, and Lowered Standards :

” I’ve been wasting time on guys who aren’t serious, or who I shouldn’t be serious about.’ She hesitated. ‘Um, I wonder if I could ask you something about that. You don’t have to answer.’ ‘Ask and you shall be answered.’ ‘Thanks. It’s not a question exactly. But I’ve been trying to take one of the bits of advice you gave during your talk, and it’s turning out harder than I expected.’ ‘What bit?’ ‘In the ‘relationships’ part of your talk. You know, how we should lower our standards.’ ‘Lower your standards?’ ‘Isn’t that what you said?’ ‘If anything, I urged higher standards.’”

This is a good article on discovering the kind of real strength a man has in relationship.

Focus on the Family Magazine: Talking Your Way Out of Trouble:

“Prayer is one of the most useful tools to save and strengthen your marriage.’ After the session, Meagan asked what I meant. I explained that when a husband and wife are at the end of their rope, one of the best things they can do is pray together. It can restore intimacy and bring healing in ways that nothing else can. Praying together allows a spouse to see inside the heart. We discussed the practical aspects of how prayer could be applied to their marriage. The next morning, Meagan and Jeff walked into the seminar together. Something was different. The couple who seemed hopeless the day before were holding hands and interacting pleasantly.”

Praying together helps restore/foster harmony.

Husbands and Wives: What I Didn’t Know About Men:

“Surface Understanding #3: Men are providers. What that means in practice: Even if you personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide.

Surface Understanding #4: Men want more sex. What That Means in Practice: Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of life.

Surface Understanding #5: Men are visual. What that means in practice: Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.

Surface Understanding #6: Men are unromantic clods. What that means in practice: Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic – but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.

Surface Understanding #7: Men care about appearance. What that means in practice: You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself – and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you.

The more we understand the men in our lives, the better we can support and love them in the way they need to be loved.”

This article is good if one sees it as a way to choose life rather than change ourselves. God has already do that work. We just need to live it.

Boundless Answers: Boyfriend is not “outwardly Christian” :

“ou would both benefit from the input of an older believing married couple. One of the great things about mentors is that they can ask questions of you individually and as a couple that you wouldn’t be comfortable asking yourselves. And they can pray with you. And for you. Mentoring can provide clarity about your spiritual compatibility. Considering marriage is a serious thing. It’s probably the most important decision you’ll make in your lifetime after deciding to follow Christ. This is the time to get wisdom and input from counselors you trust. That includes family and friends. If you’re hearing from them that this isn’t a good match, it’s important to at least listen to their concerns and consider the possibility that they’re seeing something you’re not. Often our friends and parents have insights that elude us in the fog of emotion. Human nature being what it is, it’s safe to say that what bothers you now about your beau will not go away once you’re married. Chances are, it will grow to be more of a concern, not less. So whatever it is that you feel still needs resolving, it’s always better to address those concerns before taking a permanent vow of lifelong marriage. The good news is that if this guy is as great a man as you say he is, and if he is a true believer in Christ, you should certainly be able to talk about your concerns. And with the help of some mentors (your parents or another Christian couple you both trust) get to the place where you can marry him, confident that you’re equally yoked. I do pray God will use this relationship to draw both of you closer to Him.”

This is a great article on the importance of accepting Christ in your mind as well as your heart.

Citizen Magazine – no More Dirty Dancing:

“When I grew up I wanted to feel in control, like I was somebody. I had voids I couldn’t fill any other way,’ Marie says. She found ready money in sexually oriented businesses (SOBs). The work also gave her independence and security. She progressed easily from topless dancing to nude dancing. ‘I had a hard heart,’ she says. ‘It didn’t make any difference to me.’”

This is a great article on the root causes of the sexual oriented businesses.

Focus on the Family Magazine: May I Have This Dance?:

“he fathers and daughters paired off as they entered the elegant ballroom of the five-star Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs. The dads wore suits or tuxes, the young ladies beautiful ball gowns. This was the fourth annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball, an event sponsored by Generations of Light Ministries last March. The ball featured an inspirational ballet by the Ballet Society of Colorado Springs, dinner accompanied by chamber music and ballroom dancing until midnight. (Okay, some non-ballroom dancing occurred, too. Try dancing a minuet to Blue Suede Shoesor a Glenn Miller big band tune.) The 100 father-daughter guests some dads brought more than one daughter, and some of the daughters were as young as 4 came from around Colorado, and a few from as far away as Pennsylvania. The highlight of the evening was when the dads signed the Covenant of Purity and Protection, witnessed by their daughters. right.) “This is not a debutante ball, but an elegant spiritual celebration that honors what God has created in fathers and daughters,”

Dancing is a great way to build confidence/femininity in girls.

Dancing With the Stars:

“Skimpy outfits and occasional mild language notwithstanding, Dancing maintains a degree of class and style reminiscent of past generations. It also spotlights dedication and the ability to overcome obstacles.”

Introducing The First Stage of Therapy with Women with Same-Sex Attraction: Securing the Foundation:

“Attunement is the nonverbal communication such as eye contact, facial expression, voice modulation, gestures, and timing and touch, [1] common to the relationship between a young child and mother, ‘in which both are sharing affect and focused attention on each other in a way such that the child’s enjoyable experiences are amplified and his/her stressful experiences are reduced and contained’ [2] (emphasis mine).”

This is a great article on the importance of mirroring empathy and acknowledging the difficulty in sharing/breaches of disconnect. In order to be with/love another we need to take a deptht breath and rest with them in the moment.

Boundless: What If We Love Each Other?:

“When you ask God in prayer whether it’s okay to have sex outside marriage, you’re only pretending, because you know He has already answered that question in His Scriptures. You see, God doesn’t contradict Himself; He doesn’t say one thing in the Bible and another thing when you pray. If He has already told you what to do, then asking Him ‘What should I do?’ isn’t a way to find His will, but to avoid it. He says to you, ‘Why do you keep asking me questions I’ve already answered?’ So what do you do now? Before anything else, you and your girl friend need to repent. That means admitting to yourselves, and to God, that you’ve disobeyed Him; it means admitting to yourselves, and to God, that you’ve been playing tricks on your conscience; it means being sorry; it means telling Him that you’re sorry; and it means reversing course. If your girl friend doesn’t want to repent, that doesn’t get you off the hook, because you will just have to repent by yourself. You’ll have to do that even if she becomes angry, even if she threatens to break off the relationship, and even if she does break off the relationship. After repenting, ask God to forgive you through Jesus Christ. Then ask Him for strength to resist future sexual temptations because by giving in once, you’ve made it harder to resist the next time. Finally, agree now to avoid the tempting situations situations like being alone together. I’ll bet you didn’t know that the more time a couple spends alone together, the more likely they are to wind up in bed!”

This is an excellent article on self-perpetuating confusion in relationship boundaries, particularly. If you train yourself not to repent you are hardening your heart in being able to hear from God. let alone do it.

The Treatment of Ego-Dystonic Homosexuality: The Development of a Masculine Self-Image:

” I attempted to demystify the later homosexual fantasies through clarifications such as the following: ‘Deep down your fantasies serve as a security blanket in the same way they did when you were five. At that age your heart ached for your father’s strong arms to hold you, but sensing his rejection, you turned away and inward in an attempt to create your own good father image. This helped you to endure his emotional detachment but laid the groundwork for your dependence upon fantasies for soothing your pain. With the onset of adolescence, you feelings of masculine inadequacy were intermixed with sexual urges, and once again you turned to your fantasies for soothing your pain. But this time, you had no choice other than to construct them in a blatantly sexual style due to the phase of life you were in. Heterosexual fantasies would not provide any type of relief and refueling, since you were still stuck in the arms of the good father, not ready to let go and too scared that you would not make it as a man.’”

Boundless Answers: Dating and Sex :

“Typically, a relationship follows the natural progression of ever-growing intimacy until it reaches the point of, not sex, but commitment lifelong commitment. When people don’t want to commit for a lifetime, but also don’t want the relationship to end, they enter that hazy, thorny middle ground of sexual intimacy without lifelong commitment, hoping to prolong what they have not by marriage and lifelong commitment, which is God’s design but by jumping to sex and maybe living together. It’s counterfeit ‘marriage’ and a train wreck waiting to happen. Feeding this problem is what I call passive dating — growing more intimate with someone without really any ultimate purpose other than having fun, with no intentionality in the relationship. I can’t tell you how dangerous it is to continue growing intimate in a relationship that has no ultimate purpose beyond ‘fun’ or ‘personal pleasure.’ Those are great things, but they are by-products of a great relationship, not at all strong enough to be its ultimate purpose.”

This is another great article that discusses the danger of chronic delay of lifelong commitment. Aloneness motivates a a man to pursue a lifelong companion. Pursue a spouse not a boyfriend. Girls do not let men have a quasi-commitment from you.

Ask Theophilus: What’s Wrong with these Pictures? :

” If the man doesn’t want eros, then he doesn’t really want marriage; he only wants the legal form of marriage. You are right to be suspicious of his motives. Mind you, the relationship has to really end – you say you’ve ended it, but obviously you haven’t. End the whole thing, small talk and all. Break off. Don’t see him at all. You’re like someone with an infected tooth. You’re afraid to pull it out because it will hurt. The problem is that if you don’t pull it out, it will hurt much worse, for much longer, and in many more ways. I know you feel compassion for the young man, and that’s not wrong. True compassion, though, should lead you to desire his true good, and this relationship is no more good for him than it is for you. As you remarked yourself, he’s not trying to get well. In fact, he is using you. The only question is in how many different ways he is doing it. You see, he’s not pursuing you because he is seeking sexual wholeness; he’s pursuing you as a substitute for sexual wholeness, as a way to keep from facing the fact that his emotions are still not in order. I can’t help but wonder what else he is up to. In these books you are reading on homosexuality, look up the concept of an ‘accommodation marriage’ — a marriage of convenience which is kept up merely as a front.”

These are two amazing articles on confusing pity with romantic love, deception, manipulating another’s self doubts, using the opposite sex as good enough for now boyfriend/girlfriends, exploitation, ambivalence about dependency, misunderstandings about godly character, and shame as a result.

Husbands and Wives: But I Don’t Feel Like It:

“Decide to be the best. A woman asked me if she had to submit to a husband who wasn’t living up to his part of the spiritual leadership bargain. She said, ‘It doesn’t seem fair.’ She’s right. It isn’t fair. Nonetheless, both spouses can’t just wait it out to see who will step up to the plate and be the bigger, better person. Someone has to choose to serve the other in love first. You can hold on to being right, but you will probably be left holding just your opinion – and not your marriage. I always recommend to women that they obey God, submit to Him and seek to please Him - then trust Him with the results in their relationship. In over 25 years, I can’t remember one woman who was ever sorry she obeyed God. Even if she couldn’t save her marriage, she saved her integrity – and her spouse’s behavior couldn’t take that away. Life is full of choices. Obedience is a path to God’s protection for you and your future. Wisdom is a gateway to happiness (Proverbs 3:13-20). We need to remember these things and make wise decisions for life – even when we don’t feel like it.”

Boundless: The Beloved:

“A little girl draws her father’s attention only when he wants to use her for his sexual perversions. I am sexually dangerous, she concludes. I am a dirty little girl. She lives with the tremendous rift in her soul caused by the ambivalence of abuse. On the one hand, the attention felt good. She was made for intimacy. Yet the only intimacy she’s ever known was violating. Years later, she becomes the efficient, competent head of women’s ministry at church. She’s known as a tireless worker and a real servant – but there isn’t a man who is drawn to her in any intimate way. She carefully avoids all compliments and keeps any potential relationships at a purely ‘ministry’ level. She can’t take the risk of being attractive sexually. Long ago she learned that intimacy leads to violation, that the sensual parts of her are dirty and so she hides them well beneath a false self of Christian service.”

TrueU.org | Focus Institute: The Journey of 18 Inches:

“These expectations were not only met, but surpassed beyond my imagination. What I didn’t anticipate was passion behind the intellect %u2014 a heart to accompany a probing mind. You see, within our first week at the Institute, my classmates and I were given a challenge to make a journey during our time at Focus on the Family: a journey of 18 inches, the distance between one’s head, and one’s heart. I began to realize that instead of avoiding that which makes me uncomfortable %u2014 which makes me feel deeply %u2014 I should embrace it, even if it causes me to hurt. Because that is Jesus’ heart. You see, we encountered so many deep issues hard issues: Yet for once in my academic career, I wasn’t taught to suppress and ignore my emotions regarding such issues, but to allow my heart to break in the midst of them.”

This is a good article showing the root of the intellectual/emotional split. However I do not completely agree we are supposed to enter into everything painful. Sometimes that is God’s protective heart warning us to avoid something which is not His will.

SIngle Female Seeking Home Ownership :

“When you don’t have parents or parental figures limiting the time you spend with your sweetheart (as well as supervising how you spend that time), you’re likely to spend too much time with too little (commitment) in return. As Maken writes, ‘just as familiarity breeds contempt, access breeds complacency. Our solo living arrangements send a signal to men that they can have access into our lives and apartments at any time.’ In the past, ‘men married because they realized that their access to women was going to be constantly monitored by their parents.’”

Although I do not agree with the some of the article it does make a good case to guard your heart against unmotivated men towards commitment.

TrueU.org | Women’s Hall: XX, XY:

” I said something I thought would win my male passengers over, something mean: ‘I think a girl wrote these directions.’ I sold out my fellow women in an effort to get in good with these guys %u2014 ‘Aren’t girls stupid?’ For some reason, I thought that would make them like me. I know I’m not the first woman in history to think she can compete for acceptability against other women by mocking all things traditionally feminine, and I won’t be the last. Last year, I caught the end of an episode of MTV’s Made in which a girly girl had been ‘made’ into a varsity football player, exulting, ‘The guys on the team don’t see me as a girl anymore. They see me as a football player, an equal.’ She didn’t want a jersey. She wanted to be as good as the guys at something, to compete on a guy’s playing field %u2014 literally. Fighting the Power I think what the MTV girl and I experience is more than just feeling like we need to prove ourselves. Somewhere, there’s also a belief %u2014 even if only half held %u2014 that being different equals being inferior or less important. It’s an idea that’s been around for years, causing some people to reject gender difference altogether.”

This is an excellent article on our teen girls, in particular try to develop friendships with guys. I do not agree that sex is a sole cause of the denigration of women. It depends on the heart motivation behind it.

Loving Christ While I Cheer for the Yankees :

“But the answer is not to keep away from sports. Rather, it is to ‘take sports captive and make them obedient to Christ.’ What transforms sports devotion into a transforming activity is no different than anything else – a Christ-like posture of knowing that all we do will either move us further along the journey or drive us back. Where one ends up in this spiritual journey is determined by that delicate and well-known balance between God’s unmerited grace that fuels all of our lives, and our disciplined commitment to live in a manner consistent with that grace. We work toward this balance by humbly cultivating a life of devotion in prayer, Christian community, study of Scripture, and service. That is what will enable us, more and more, to bring every part of our lives under Christ’s reign. A theologian recently wrote that what the church needs desperately is a theology of things such as sleep, eating, working, and leisure 2. I would add sports to the list. As Christians we need to cultivate an attitude of theological reflection about those very things that fill up most of our daily hours. “

the article begins slow, but makes great points that could be applied to the dilemma even putting a person above God

Focus on the Family Magazine: Dusting Off Dreams:

“1. Reflect on long-held dreams, and determine what still excites you. God’s purposes for your life were planted in you before you were born. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). So get back in touch with early dreams. Maybe being a missionary doctor is out of the question, but the missionary or medical field still interests you. See what’s available for you to do. Your long-ago interest in being a teacher might show up in teaching Bible studies instead of working in a classroom.

2. What’s been tugging at your heart lately? Have a great idea for starting your own business? Feel a longing to touch lives through speaking, writing or mentoring? Ready to see more of the world? Heart tugs are often the way God gets our attention for the next step in His plan for our life.

3. Ask God to give you the desires of your heart for this season. When we commit our dreams to God, He will sort them out and give them back to us. Much of that completion may be in the second half of our lives.

4. Start taking a step in the direction of your dreams, and see what happens. Like my friend Gail who is taking chemistry to get ready for nursing school, sometimes you have to take a few small steps before the big step. What needs to happen now for your dream to start becoming a reality? Just as the Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first, the best is often yet to come. Count on God’s direction to lead you step-by-step in pursuit of your dreams.”

Failure to Launch:

“Tripp is an emotional con man, pretending to own his parents’ home, as well as the boats he borrows to romance his girlfriends. His modus operandi is to act the playboy until he tires of a woman or she gets too serious, at which time he takes her home to meet the parents, discover the truth and dump him. Paula isn’t any more noble, profiting from the deception of emotionally fragile guys she’s hired to date. But by the end we’re expected to sympathize with Tripp as if he’s some kind of victim rather than a cad finally getting a taste of his own medicine.”

It makes some points about various ages. Empty nesters have grown to have a fear they will not be liked for themselves other than for their children. The emptiness of the single’s life can be falsely thwarted by being impatient/losing respect for oneself by pren-marital sex. Genuine grieving to the Lord must occur. It discusses that men become bored often or lose interest once a woman becomes to serious. The guy often uses the line that no one will get hurt. It is just for fun. However the contrary is try and the woman is left feeling shame/confused. In my case this was true.

Talking to Tweens About Love, Sex and Relationships: Transition:

“Girls have a desire for connection, intimacy and safety. When we acknowledge this, we can help our teen girls meet this need in healthy ways. Most adolescents try to have their needs met among their friends. How they act out that intimacy imperative – particularly without guidance from parents – can lead to trouble. Gurian stresses that far too many parents abandon their parenting duties when their children transition to the teen years. Puberty is not miniadulthood. Many social scientists are decrying the trend of reduced parenting once a child hits middle school. Social research is actually saying that children need their parents, even if they don’t act like they do. A number of women tend to re-enter the workforce when their children become teenagers. However, in reality, the young teen years are frightening for children, and they need the stable presence of an adult.”

Husbands and Wives: The New Workplace Romance:

“‘The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, “just a friend.”‘ From 1991 to 2000, Glass discovered in her practice that 50 percent of the unfaithful women and about 62 percent of unfaithful men she treated were involved with someone from work. ‘Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity,’ Glass writes. Today’s careers offer more opportunity for extramarital affairs. Group interaction in coed workplaces, frequent travel and long hours create more opportunity and temptation than ever. Glass writes, ‘all of these changes and others allow individuals to mix freely where once they were segregated and restricted.’ Studies published in the American Sociological Review and the Journal of Marriage and Family show that before 1985, divorce rates were about equal among working and homemaking women; however, ‘between 1985 and 1992, the annual probability of divorce among employed wives exceeded that for nonemployed wives by 40 percent.’”

This article makes great points about the importance of openness in marriage.

Focus on the Family Magazine: One-Flesh Intimacy:

“Jesus tells us in Mark 10:7-8 that marriage creates an intimacy of one flesh. The phrase one flesh teaches us a great deal about how real intimacy develops and is cultivated in marriage relationships. If we become one flesh with our spouse, then we must open all aspects of our emotional, spiritual and physical lives to that person to the point that we are not unknown in any dimension.”

This is a very good article stresses that spirtual intimacy can only occur between tow people who share Jesus as their Saviour. It makes a great case for believers to be married to one another. I do not see how one who is struggling throughout life to deal with faith issues would not want someone to give that mutual support.

Journaling Example 2:

“I was encouraged by this word as He confirmed that I am where He wants me to be for now. I asked Him about anointing upon my life and His direction for anointing for the present time. ‘Michael, you know that I have anointed you for healing and teaching and in administrative gifts. Whatever else I have for you will emerge as you learn. Always keep yourself open to learning more. My revelation gifts are part of My grace. Never ever think or believe you have arrived. Always there is more. Truth – seek truth. Never be content to rest in your current understanding. Press on, but be sure that it is toward Me, always toward Me, rather than the “thing.” My blessing will be yours. Michael, I love you.’ Lord, I love You, too. Thank You for everything. You are beyond my understanding, but I want to press in, nevertheless. I asked the Lord about maintaining the anointing. ‘Michael, you do need to become more aware of My abiding presence, for I am with you wherever you go and whatever the circumstances. Fasting is more than refraining from certain foods, or going without at certain times. That can be, and often is, nothing but religiosity and when it is that, it does not please Me. Fasting is giving up something which you could have according to your resources and opportunities and choosing instead to give those resources, or your time to Me. You go without for My sake. Yet, I do not need what you have except that I choose to use you as an instrument of My generosity, or outreach. So, going without food is beneficial to your body, for its cleansing from time to time and will allow you to come closer to Me when you pray and seek My face. Yet I would rather that you set for yourself a continual lifestyle of self-sacrifice, joyfully walking in My ways in the Kingdom, enjoying the benefits of being a consecrated vessel pouring out My provision, as the widow’s jars did in Elijah’s time. This is what will maintain My anointing and My presence and My ability to use you as a vessel submitted to Me. Love is the key, is it not? That’s My new command and the key to entering in to all Christian activities. Look first to Me and love Me for Who I am. Let Me fill you with My love. You will be motivated, gifted and anointed, consecrated to carry out My wishes.”

Four Keys to Hearing God’s Voice – Two-way Conversations with God!:

“As I fix my gaze upon Jesus (Heb. 12:2), becoming quiet in His presence, and sharing with Him what is on my heart, I find that two-way dialogue begins to flow. Spontaneous thoughts flow from the throne of God to me, and I find that I am actually conversing with the King of Kings. It is very important that you become still and properly focused if you are going to receive the pure word of God. If you are not still, you will simply be receiving your own thoughts. If you are not properly focused on Jesus, you will receive an impure flow, because the intuitive flow comes out of that upon which you have fixed your eyes. Therefore, if you fix your eyes upon Jesus, the intuitive flow comes from Jesus. If you fix your gaze upon some desire of your heart, the intuitive flow comes out of that desire of your heart. To have a pure flow you must first of all become still, and secondly, you must carefully fix your eyes upon Jesus. Again I will say, this is quite easily accomplished by quietly worshiping the King, and then receiving out of the stillness that follows.”

Discernment: Recognising God’s Voice:

“This art can only be learned by trial and error. The voices we experience are quite subtle, and discernment requires us to become sensitive to subtle differences between the different movements upon our soul. Yet we will never recognise the voice of God with absolute clarity, and anyone who claims to hear God clearly and with certainty should be avoided – they have not even begun to know spiritual realities if they make such a claim. Some Simple Rules There are simple rules we can follow in discerning God’s voice and these can make a very big difference for us. If we know them, we will make fewer mistakes. Many people make very bad decisions in their life because these basic rules have been ignored. Someone who knows what God is like knows what his voice is like. As an exercise, write down a list of single words that describe what you think God’s voice is like (for example: gentle, patient, kind, forgiving, encouraging). Then write a separate list of what you think the voice of the bad spirit is like (for example: harsh, condemning, impatient, negative).”

This is an inspired article which is simple to understand.

Husbands and Wives: Why Your Wife Hates Sex and What to Do About It:

” Female sexual arousal demands a mental and emotional energy that many women just don’t have by the end of the day. It’s not enough just to tell your wife to relax and let some things go. She needs your help! Putting the kids to bed, washing the dishes, or making your wife a cup of tea can be powerful means of getting her attention and energy. She feels like an object. At times, it becomes very difficult for your wife to understand the difference between your sexual desire and your desire for her. If she feels like she has simply become an object to meet your needs, she’ll resent having sex. Many wives feel like sex is something they have to do for their husbands rather than a gift that spouses freely give each other. The enjoyment and spontaneity is lost. Just chalk it on the ‘to do’ list with the ironing and carpooling. You can combat this by refocusing on your wife’s emotional needs. Win her affection the way you did when you were dating: loving notes, dates, flowers, and flirting. Don’t assume that sex with her is a given just because she is your wife. As you focus on her needs, you will find her much more responsive to yours. She never has a chance to feel desire.”

This article makes a excellent point about the need for anticipation.

Answer:

“Though some readers will disagree with me, ‘love at first sight’ is a physical and emotional impossibility. Why? Because love is much more than a romantic feeling. It is more than a sexual attraction or the thrill of the chase or a desire to marry someone. These are responses that can occur ‘at first sight,’ and they might even lead to the genuine thing in time. But those feelings are usually very temporary, and they do not mean the person who experiences them is ‘in love.’ I wish everyone understood that fact!The primary difference between infatuation and real love is where the emphasis lies. Temporary romantic attractions tend to be very selfish in nature. A person may say, ‘I can’t believe what is happening to me. This is the most fantastic thing I’ve ever experienced! I must be in love.’ Notice that she’s not talking about the other person. She’s excited about her own gratification. Such an individual hasn’t fallen in love with someone else; she has fallen in love with love!Genuine love, by contrast, is an expression of the deepest appreciation for another human being. It is an intense awareness of his or her needs and strengths and character. It shares the longings, hopes, and dreams of that other person. “

This is a good article that discusses the way love develops is by continuing to know more of another.

Husbands and Wives: The Servant Leader:

” Being a leader does not mean making all the decisions. Nor does it refer to being the boss in marriage, in the church, or in society at large. Leadership implies taking the initiative, accepting responsibility, and shouldering the weight of accountability before God. DeHann defines a servant as “responsive, respectful, willing, loving, self-sacrificing, and submissive.” Servanthood does not mean unthinking obedience. What it does mean is wiling ness to lower one’s self, to humbly serve another person, and to put the best interests of someone else above your own enjoyment. Christ, the perfect servant-leader excelled to the fullest in demonstrating all the attributes of both servant and leader as described above. In our society, a leader who is not characterized by giving orders and commanding respect is often labeled weak and ineffective. Stuart Scott in The Exemplary Husband also writes of leaders who serve. He states: Serving does not lessen one’s authority or leadership. Instead, it enhances it – especially the leading-by-example aspect. One who leads as Christ leads is always thinking of others, not self. He is willing to sacrifice his own comfort and even his own well-being for those he leads. He is willing to put himself last,”

TrueU.org | Men’s Hall: When It Comes to Love, I’m Pro-Choice:

“Just think about our approach to finding a mate. We shop around asking the question, ‘Who will make me the happiest?’ Once we’ve made our decision, we decide to marry that person. Then, after a while, we begin to have unhappy times and slowly but surely we begin to wonder if we’ve made the wrong choice. Maybe I should’ve waited, we think. Maybe this other person over here was the right person because they would’ve made me happier. Then, of course, we join that 50 percent of people who asked the same question about happiness. So then, what is the right question? You guessed it: What can I do to make my spouse happy? If we ask this question, then all of a sudden, we don’t have worry about finding just the right person. In other words, we must choose to love and be happy rather than waiting for others to make us happy. In fact, what I find wholly fascinating and repulsively ironic about our attitude on love is that, on the one hand, we would rather die than not be able to choose our spouse and, on the other hand, we would rather divorce that same spouse than choose to love them. We want the option to choose without the responsibility to choose.”

This is a great article talking about action of the covenant of love rather than the romance/feeling. It is important to love, not try to get someone to buy into our definition of make me happy.

TrueU.org | Women’s Hall: Short-Lived, Emotional Attachment at First Sight:

” The kind of love marriage cultivates – the kind of love marriage demands – is something much more transforming and profound than mere ardor. Neighborly Love Romance, eros, falling in love, infatuation – all of it feels great, and romantic love has a place in the Christian life. But the most important kind of love between a Christian man and woman is not love shaped like a heart (or a heart-shaped candy box). The most important kind of love a Christian man and woman can cultivate is love that is shaped like the cross. Christian love is modeled on God’s love for us – a love expressed in creation and a love expressed on the cross. And it is a love that is directed toward an other – or, more precisely, to two others: to our beloved and to the One who made us. Romantic love, even infatuation can play a part in the Christian emotional landscape in part because it gives us a glimpse of loving our neighbor.”

This is a brilliant article on the roots of the lies we, especially as women often have about romance. Real love is agape love. This is Christian love. It will transform marriages so eros love will be more present. This article also discusses the meaning of idolatry in our relationships is a good way.

Reducing the Risk of Premarital Adolescent Sex: Reducing the Risk of Premarital Adolescent Sex:

“Talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships, and train your adolescent to avoid situations that increase the likelihood of a sexual incident. Make them streetwise about the general course of relationships, dating, risky situations, and the ugly reality of date rape. Encourage supervised, structured, nonpressuring group activities with the opposite sex as opposed to single dating situations, especially for adolescents in junior high and early high school. The object should be to learn how to talk and have fun without romantic expectations or sexual pressure. Group activities such as church picnics or youth group outings are generally healthier than dances or other situations in which pairing up is necessary. Talk to your adolescent about the qualities that ultimately matter in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Shared values (especially spiritual orientation), mutual respect, easy conversation, and enjoyment of everyday activities count far more heavily in the long run than good looks, money, popularity, or intense romantic attraction.”

Focus on the Family Magazine: Created for Relationship:

“his means we have to choose to die to ourselves and think of others first, every day, in our marriages, our families, our friendships and with our fellow man. What does that look like? It’s sharing the fruits of the Holy Spirit that He has instilled in us: showing love to the unlovely; passing on God’s joy to the brokenhearted; imparting peace to those in turmoil; modeling patience in frustrating situations; demonstrating kindness to everyone you meet; revealing God’s goodness in thought and deed; walking in faithfulness every day; and living with gentleness and self-control in every situation, even when we have to confront wrongdoing or hurt.”

This article has some good points about the way to confront when when in love.