Session Notes

WebMD

Dec. 13, 2011 — Girls and young women who are vaccinated against human papillomavirus (HPV) appear to be no more likely than those who are not vaccinated to engage in sexually risky behaviors, a CDC survey finds.

After all of the drama, handwringing and false guilt about teens being given a free pass to have sex via safety from only one of oh-so-many sexually transmitted diseases, it turns out that the only thing this vaccination manages to do is keep children from dying of one sexually transmitted disease.

And, actually to the contrary of the above, it seems to at least be correlated somewhat with a rather high willingness to insist on condom use in women.

Scientific American

For example, subjects were asked if they’d administer harmless but painful electric shocks to another person. They chose to shock those fully clothed significantly more often than those exposed above the waist. So if you’re looking for sympathy, maybe show a little skin.

After years of church and society ranting about how a woman showing a little skin is the woman dressing for a rape, it turns out the opposite is true. Men and women who show a little skin actually elicit sympathy, not predation, from others.

Doesn’t it also seem rather interesting that the schools which treat children in the most severe ways also tend to be those which have the most stringent uniform demands…

via HugoSchwyzer.net.

So many adults are fearful that telling kids that sex is pleasurable will simply encourage young people to have it before they are physically and emotionally ready for the consequences. Better, they imagine, to emphasize that it’s important to wait and to stress the risks. But as it turns out, centering pleasure is a great way to minimize the chances that a teen will be pressured into doing something that they don’t want to do.

When we tell girls that sex is something people do when they love each other, it sets them up to believe that sex is sacrificial. So when Jassie falls in love with Bobby, and Bobby pushes for intercourse, she’s conditioned to focus on “giving it up” for him rather than on thinking about what feels good for her. The more she’s taught that her pleasure matters, the less likely she’ll be coerced into going farther than her body is ready to go. “It’s supposed to feel good”, she may remember, “and right now, being rushed and pawed doesn’t feel good. So I want to stop.” Centering pleasure gives young women a power that centering love doesn’t.

The same is true with boys. When we teach them that sex is about feeling good, we remind them that it isn’t about “losing it.” We think of adolescent boys as hormone-addled horndogs, and many of them are. There are some pretty damn horny teenage girls too, though we’re less comfortable acknowledging that. But what drives so many boys to focus on having heterosexual intercourse isn’t the pursuit of pleasure for either themselves or their partners. It’s the longing to “become a man” or to “score” in a competition that’s really about winning praise and validation from other men. Pleasure becomes less important than being a “stud” in other boys’ eyes. That’s not a lot of fun.So Cooper got it exactly right. While there are other reasons why people have sex, the desire to give and share pleasure is perhaps the most basic. And the more we center pleasure in our discussions with children, the more we equip them to say no to what hurts, what’s coerced, and what’s unwanted. And the more we empower them to say “yes” only to what feels good.

All I can add to this is that, just perhaps, we can then focus the rest of our energy on teaching them what a balanced relationship looks like, what it means to defraud another and what it means to only awaken that which the time has come for it to be awakened. In other words, empower them to really keep the hearts of everyone safe.

wittenburgdoor.com

Several recent studies have shown the limited effectiveness of abstinence programs, leading many to the conclusion that we have simply set the bar too high for the advanced libido of today’s average teen. Our young people already face enough stresses in life without adding unnecessary ones. Churches should be building up our future leaders, not crushing them under a load of guilt. The answer to this problem is both clear and simple: If the expectations can’t be met, then lower the standards. Though we have already learned this principle in the arena of public education, once again, the Church is slow to catch on.

Jesus Himself said “My burden is light.”

That’s why we are proud to offer a “lite” version, or re-visioning of a popular abstinence program. We confront specific areas in which previous abstinence methods have failed, and offer exciting options.

Thanks Kathy for pointing this out…

Some links just don’t deserve to be hidden in the comments… Yes, it’s a parody — but it’s just as real as the insanity of purity ball/ring thing.

On the one side, we have Fundamentalist Evangelicalism — with their useless shame and purity balls. On the other we have the liberal left — with teachings that (Though well hidden) really do sound allot like the above link.

Seems either is so much better then addressing the real issue: Shame, guilt, fear and shattered relationship — you know, things WE WOULD actually have to change instead of just hammering our kids…

abcnews.com

At least nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, says a new report. And premarital sex isn’t new — the high rates include the sexual habits of women born in the 1940s, challenging the idea that sexual behaviors used to be more restrained.Sex has apparently become something of a young American habit. “It’s hard to stop the evolution of that urge,” said Judy Kuriansky, a sex therapist, media personality and adjunct professor of psychology at Columbia University Teachers College in New York.The report, published by the private Guttmacher Institute in New York, challenges the thinking behind government-funded programs that rely primarily on abstinence-only teachings. The study, released Tuesday, appears in the new issue of Public Health Reports.

So to summarize, everyone is having premarital sex. All the Christians are having premarital sex too — even those subjected to purity balls and purity rings. In fact, it matters not at all what race, sex or religion the persons hold, they are all having every sort of sex and the only reason they are not having babies all over the place is that, in spite of the US government and abstinence education, more and more of them have figured out contraception.

Oh ya, and 5% of Americans apparently lie on anonymous surveys about having sex…

PracticalHappiness.com:

” PracticalHappiness.com is dedicated to providing the most practical and effective dating and relationship advice on all aspects of dating and relationships for men and women. Do not settle for generic, mainstream, useless dating advice, driven by marketing and by telling people what they like to hear.

From becoming more attractive to the opposite sex, eye contact with women, pick-up lines, meeting and talking to singles, to other very useful dating tips and relationship advice for men, such as first date tips, how to flirt, on-line dating tips, confidence with women, self-esteem, insecurities and fear of rejection, advice on long-term relationships, including dealing with jealousy, commitment issues, escaping the friends zone with women,cheating and breaking up to advice for women on becoming a more attractive woman to men, being a classy woman, meeting quality single men, and other dating and relationship tips for women – this site will guide you toward finding answers to your most troubling dating and relationship questions.”

A client just asked for information on this subject and I figured I’d post the grand master…

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of information in this area — most has been driven by the pursuit of cash and has usually tell people what they want to hear — not what actually works.

This guy is giving most of his advice away for free — and it’s mostly quality.

The New Yorker

But, according to Add Health data, evangelical teen-agers are more sexually active than Mormons, mainline Protestants, and Jews. On average, white evangelical Protestants make their “sexual début”—to use the festive term of social-science researchers—shortly after turning sixteen. Among major religious groups, only black Protestants begin having sex earlier.

Another key difference in behavior, Regnerus reports, is that evangelical Protestant teen-agers are significantly less likely than other groups to use contraception. This could be because evangelicals are also among the most likely to believe that using contraception will send the message that they are looking for sex. It could also be because many evangelicals are steeped in the abstinence movement’s warnings that condoms won’t actually protect them from pregnancy or venereal disease. More provocatively, Regnerus found that only half of sexually active teen-agers who say that they seek guidance from God or the Scriptures when making a tough decision report using contraception every time. By contrast, sixty-nine per cent of sexually active youth who say that they most often follow the counsel of a parent or another trusted adult consistently use protection.

The gulf between sexual belief and sexual behavior becomes apparent, too, when you look at the outcomes of abstinence-pledge movements. Nationwide, according to a 2001 estimate, some two and a half million people have taken a pledge to remain celibate until marriage. Usually, they do so under the auspices of movements such as True Love Waits or the Silver Ring Thing. Sometimes, they make their vows at big rallies featuring Christian pop stars and laser light shows, or at purity balls, where girls in frothy dresses exchange rings with their fathers, who vow to help them remain virgins until the day they marry. More than half of those who take such pledges—which, unlike abstinence-only classes in public schools, are explicitly Christian—end up having sex before marriage, and not usually with their future spouse.

The stats just keep rolling in — Evangelical shame and Catholic guilt once again just doesn’t seem capable of arresting the misplaced human teen’s longing for love. Whatever shall we do???

Perhaps that might be a reason to offer it to them some other way — like maybe just being fathers and mothers to the fatherless and motherless???

Or, we could just launch another purity ball instead…

Q&A: Are we still chastened by the Lord?:

“I can know, good or bad, that He loves me and is not thwarted by all that crap. He didn’t bring us into a life that needs to be made better … but into a life that is connecting to everything I am and everything I do!”

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE TO TRY TO BE better. God seemed to say trusting Him is the OUTCOME. HE DOESN’T MAKE US LOVE HIM.

Q&A: Relating with a mom whose son is on drugs and stealing from :

“You know, when your child fails so badly it goes right to the core of you. It is right THERE that you are tempted to view yourself according to the measuring stick of performance. ”Where did I fail?“ will become the REAL question behind a million others. Do you try to ”fix“ things in the hopes of making up for your failure? Do you take a ”stand“ against the ”evil influences“ and the ”evil doers“ in our society? Do you begin to wonder why your child doesn’t measure up to your own standards? Or do you beat yourself up because you are sure that he/she has become the thing you might have been? ”

This article poses good questions to get to the heart of the matter of parenting issues. There is a touching grieving poem with hope.

Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy:

“n a therapy session, a husband’s numb withdrawal expands into a sense
of intimidation and helplessness. He can now assert his need for respect
and become more accessible to his wife.

He
moves from ”There is no point in talking to you. I don’t want to
fight.“ to ”I do want to be close. I want you to give me a chance.
Stop poking me and let me learn to dance with you.“
His
wife’s critical anger then expands into fear and sadness. She can now
ask for and elicit comfort.

She moves from ”You just don’t care. You don’t get it.“ to ”It
is so difficult to say – but I need you to hold me – reassure
me – can you?“”

I good overview of the process that grieving to the Lord can lead to in marital therapy.