Dec. 13, 2011 — Girls and young women who are vaccinated against human papillomavirus (HPV) appear to be no more likely than those who are not vaccinated to engage in sexually risky behaviors, a CDC survey finds.

After all of the drama, handwringing and false guilt about teens being given a free pass to have sex via safety from only one of oh-so-many sexually transmitted diseases, it turns out that the only thing this vaccination manages to do is keep children from dying of one sexually transmitted disease.

And, actually to the contrary of the above, it seems to at least be correlated somewhat with a rather high willingness to insist on condom use in women.

For example, subjects were asked if they’d administer harmless but painful electric shocks to another person. They chose to shock those fully clothed significantly more often than those exposed above the waist. So if you’re looking for sympathy, maybe show a little skin.

After years of church and society ranting about how a woman showing a little skin is the woman dressing for a rape, it turns out the opposite is true. Men and women who show a little skin actually elicit sympathy, not predation, from others.

Doesn’t it also seem rather interesting that the schools which treat children in the most severe ways also tend to be those which have the most stringent uniform demands…

So many adults are fearful that telling kids that sex is pleasurable will simply encourage young people to have it before they are physically and emotionally ready for the consequences. Better, they imagine, to emphasize that it’s important to wait and to stress the risks. But as it turns out, centering pleasure is a great way to minimize the chances that a teen will be pressured into doing something that they don’t want to do.

When we tell girls that sex is something people do when they love each other, it sets them up to believe that sex is sacrificial. So when Jassie falls in love with Bobby, and Bobby pushes for intercourse, she’s conditioned to focus on “giving it up” for him rather than on thinking about what feels good for her. The more she’s taught that her pleasure matters, the less likely she’ll be coerced into going farther than her body is ready to go. “It’s supposed to feel good”, she may remember, “and right now, being rushed and pawed doesn’t feel good. So I want to stop.” Centering pleasure gives young women a power that centering love doesn’t.

The same is true with boys. When we teach them that sex is about feeling good, we remind them that it isn’t about “losing it.” We think of adolescent boys as hormone-addled horndogs, and many of them are. There are some pretty damn horny teenage girls too, though we’re less comfortable acknowledging that. But what drives so many boys to focus on having heterosexual intercourse isn’t the pursuit of pleasure for either themselves or their partners. It’s the longing to “become a man” or to “score” in a competition that’s really about winning praise and validation from other men. Pleasure becomes less important than being a “stud” in other boys’ eyes. That’s not a lot of fun.So Cooper got it exactly right. While there are other reasons why people have sex, the desire to give and share pleasure is perhaps the most basic. And the more we center pleasure in our discussions with children, the more we equip them to say no to what hurts, what’s coerced, and what’s unwanted. And the more we empower them to say “yes” only to what feels good.

All I can add to this is that, just perhaps, we can then focus the rest of our energy on teaching them what a balanced relationship looks like, what it means to defraud another and what it means to only awaken that which the time has come for it to be awakened. In other words, empower them to really keep the hearts of everyone safe.

Several recent studies have shown the limited effectiveness of abstinence programs, leading many to the conclusion that we have simply set the bar too high for the advanced libido of today’s average teen. Our young people already face enough stresses in life without adding unnecessary ones. Churches should be building up our future leaders, not crushing them under a load of guilt. The answer to this problem is both clear and simple: If the expectations can’t be met, then lower the standards. Though we have already learned this principle in the arena of public education, once again, the Church is slow to catch on.

Jesus Himself said “My burden is light.”

That’s why we are proud to offer a “lite” version, or re-visioning of a popular abstinence program. We confront specific areas in which previous abstinence methods have failed, and offer exciting options.

Thanks Kathy for pointing this out…

Some links just don’t deserve to be hidden in the comments… Yes, it’s a parody — but it’s just as real as the insanity of purity ball/ring thing.

On the one side, we have Fundamentalist Evangelicalism — with their useless shame and purity balls. On the other we have the liberal left — with teachings that (Though well hidden) really do sound allot like the above link.

Seems either is so much better then addressing the real issue: Shame, guilt, fear and shattered relationship — you know, things WE WOULD actually have to change instead of just hammering our kids…

At least nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, says a new report. And premarital sex isn’t new — the high rates include the sexual habits of women born in the 1940s, challenging the idea that sexual behaviors used to be more restrained.Sex has apparently become something of a young American habit. “It’s hard to stop the evolution of that urge,” said Judy Kuriansky, a sex therapist, media personality and adjunct professor of psychology at Columbia University Teachers College in New York.The report, published by the private Guttmacher Institute in New York, challenges the thinking behind government-funded programs that rely primarily on abstinence-only teachings. The study, released Tuesday, appears in the new issue of Public Health Reports.

So to summarize, everyone is having premarital sex. All the Christians are having premarital sex too — even those subjected to purity balls and purity rings. In fact, it matters not at all what race, sex or religion the persons hold, they are all having every sort of sex and the only reason they are not having babies all over the place is that, in spite of the US government and abstinence education, more and more of them have figured out contraception.

Oh ya, and 5% of Americans apparently lie on anonymous surveys about having sex…

” PracticalHappiness.com is dedicated to providing the most practical and effective dating and relationship advice on all aspects of dating and relationships for men and women. Do not settle for generic, mainstream, useless dating advice, driven by marketing and by telling people what they like to hear.

From becoming more attractive to the opposite sex, eye contact with women, pick-up lines, meeting and talking to singles, to other very useful dating tips and relationship advice for men, such as first date tips, how to flirt, on-line dating tips, confidence with women, self-esteem, insecurities and fear of rejection, advice on long-term relationships, including dealing with jealousy, commitment issues, escaping the friends zone with women,cheating and breaking up to advice for women on becoming a more attractive woman to men, being a classy woman, meeting quality single men, and other dating and relationship tips for women – this site will guide you toward finding answers to your most troubling dating and relationship questions.”

A client just asked for information on this subject and I figured I’d post the grand master…

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of information in this area — most has been driven by the pursuit of cash and has usually tell people what they want to hear — not what actually works.

This guy is giving most of his advice away for free — and it’s mostly quality.

But, according to Add Health data, evangelical teen-agers are more sexually active than Mormons, mainline Protestants, and Jews. On average, white evangelical Protestants make their “sexual début”—to use the festive term of social-science researchers—shortly after turning sixteen. Among major religious groups, only black Protestants begin having sex earlier.

Another key difference in behavior, Regnerus reports, is that evangelical Protestant teen-agers are significantly less likely than other groups to use contraception. This could be because evangelicals are also among the most likely to believe that using contraception will send the message that they are looking for sex. It could also be because many evangelicals are steeped in the abstinence movement’s warnings that condoms won’t actually protect them from pregnancy or venereal disease. More provocatively, Regnerus found that only half of sexually active teen-agers who say that they seek guidance from God or the Scriptures when making a tough decision report using contraception every time. By contrast, sixty-nine per cent of sexually active youth who say that they most often follow the counsel of a parent or another trusted adult consistently use protection.

The gulf between sexual belief and sexual behavior becomes apparent, too, when you look at the outcomes of abstinence-pledge movements. Nationwide, according to a 2001 estimate, some two and a half million people have taken a pledge to remain celibate until marriage. Usually, they do so under the auspices of movements such as True Love Waits or the Silver Ring Thing. Sometimes, they make their vows at big rallies featuring Christian pop stars and laser light shows, or at purity balls, where girls in frothy dresses exchange rings with their fathers, who vow to help them remain virgins until the day they marry. More than half of those who take such pledges—which, unlike abstinence-only classes in public schools, are explicitly Christian—end up having sex before marriage, and not usually with their future spouse.

The stats just keep rolling in — Evangelical shame and Catholic guilt once again just doesn’t seem capable of arresting the misplaced human teen’s longing for love. Whatever shall we do???

Perhaps that might be a reason to offer it to them some other way — like maybe just being fathers and mothers to the fatherless and motherless???

Or, we could just launch another purity ball instead…

“I can know, good or bad, that He loves me and is not thwarted by all that crap. He didn’t bring us into a life that needs to be made better … but into a life that is connecting to everything I am and everything I do!”

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE TO TRY TO BE better. God seemed to say trusting Him is the OUTCOME. HE DOESN’T MAKE US LOVE HIM.

“You know, when your child fails so badly it goes right to the core of you. It is right THERE that you are tempted to view yourself according to the measuring stick of performance. ”Where did I fail?“ will become the REAL question behind a million others. Do you try to ”fix“ things in the hopes of making up for your failure? Do you take a ”stand“ against the ”evil influences“ and the ”evil doers“ in our society? Do you begin to wonder why your child doesn’t measure up to your own standards? Or do you beat yourself up because you are sure that he/she has become the thing you might have been? ”

This article poses good questions to get to the heart of the matter of parenting issues. There is a touching grieving poem with hope.

“n a therapy session, a husband’s numb withdrawal expands into a sense
of intimidation and helplessness. He can now assert his need for respect
and become more accessible to his wife.

He
moves from ”There is no point in talking to you. I don’t want to
fight.“ to ”I do want to be close. I want you to give me a chance.
Stop poking me and let me learn to dance with you.“
His
wife’s critical anger then expands into fear and sadness. She can now
ask for and elicit comfort.

She moves from ”You just don’t care. You don’t get it.“ to ”It
is so difficult to say – but I need you to hold me – reassure
me – can you?“”

I good overview of the process that grieving to the Lord can lead to in marital therapy.

“ regarding your situation with your wife. What does your heart desire toward her? Do you often feel stifled from holding back from sharing life with her in some form or another? Do you keep your mouth shut in fear of screwing things up? Believe me, I understand all this.
I mean, it’s obvious to me that you don’t want her to get into a ”frenzy“, but I suspect you would love to share the life together with her in a very real and living way. True? But you often wonder, ”What’s the use?“, because you know God has to take care of it in His own way. But ”God’s way“ involves US into the sharing of His life. And you have known this desire in a powerful way.”

This is an excellent article regarding the difference between the religious meaning of ministry and the powerful desire of talking about reallife. Even though we are afraid to promote error, it seems to be God’s way that involves us into the sharing of His life. Our knowing the Lord is the one who does the real work truly frees us to be confident in our sharing.

“it’s not surprising to discover that even ”scriptural“ points of view will get infused with the very same fleshly attitude of the one telling it.  As a prime example, I’m sure both of us have heard God’s wonderful grace incorporated into an arrogant doctrinal stance where those who ”hold“ it will somehow see themselves as if they deserve it.  Well, enough of that, you had another question, didn’t you?  ”

This is a good article that explores two senses of walking the Spirit.
1.) As believers we are always in the Spirit 2.) We either live by the frame of mind that we walk by our efforts or by grace. I pray God allows it be clear for all of us.

“ Victims of sexual assault are apt to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts – even months after the attack. With this in mind, every attempt should be made to encourage crisis intervention with trained counselors and social workers who are committed Christians.”

“As this analogy shows, over-dependence in marriage can lead spouses to become tired and resentful of carrying the burden for the other’s happiness. Over-dependence creates feelings of powerlessness and weakness because your happiness is in someone else’s hands. Complete independence is also unhealthy because it causes spouses to feel unneeded and lonely. Interdependence is a balance between over-dependence and independence. In an interdependent marriage, spouses feel needed without being overburdened. They feel a sense of freedom and power, understanding that their happiness is in their control and not in the hands of another person.”

This is a great article encouraging others to be interdependent so the person feels needed and not lonely. This is our prayer for all marriages.

“Everyone agreed that after a full day’s work both men and women are weary and exhausted. But when a husband seems to reserve all his attention for his work and shows no attention to his wife, she feels unloved. When that happens, instead of having a loving and sexually responsive wife, he will run the risk of being at continual odds with her. He will get wrath instead of warmth.”

This is an excellent series of articles on sustaining intimacy in marriage. Even though one sees the other through the Finished Work of Christ, it is important to share the feelings with each other/the Lord together.

“Women at Stage 3 may also be
experiencing the ending of an extramarital
affair, and the ending may not have
been their decision. They may have been
involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could
not progress or who became attracted to
another women who was
single. Women whose affairs are
ending often experience extreme grief.
They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward
their husbands. They are typically unaware that they
are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden
changes in their brain chemistry.
As a result, many will feel that they have
missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.”

This is excellent article shows the feelings one experiences during the progression of affairs. The anger/sadness/confusion/feaars needs to be expressed to God so the block can be removed. An openness needs to be present before God so his best desires and joy for the marriage can flow once again.

“Women’s
relationships today follow

a very
predictable pattern:

 

 


They
push men
for commitment


They get what they want


They



lose interest
in sex



They
become attracted to someone else



They
start cheating


They become angry
and resentful

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

They blame their partners for
their behavior…

               

and then…


They
slowly destroy their relationships and marriages”

This is a typical pattern. However if one gives the fear of love in the intimate relationship to the Lord, God’s sufficient love for the partners to give can flow once again. There is no blame necessary because the person does not realize they are doing the old and really doesn’t deep down want to do it. The new person in Christ is what is true.

“Quick ideas about setting boundariesChildren and teens need boundaries for their safety. Children should understand the consequences of breaking family rules and boundaries. Consequences should fit the severity of the rule. The following are a few boundaries to discuss with your teen:CurfewTransporting other teens: who or how many people ride in one car together Drinking alcohol or using drugsDrinking alcohol or using drugs and driving Lying to parents or adults in authorityAllowing opposite-sex company in bedrooms Having friends over while parents are absent Age at which dating can beginDating vs. courting: discuss family values and guidelines”

This is a good article of a vision for teenage relationships. However, the law-based Christianity mindset is laced through it. The piece needs to be changed to focus only on Jesus.

“ It always hurts to break up. And it reeks when you’re not the one choosing to end it. (That’s one reason many of you choose courtship over dating.) But when it’s over, it’s best to let it be over. Give it some time to let the awkwardness and pain go away before trying to be best buds with the girl. So you’re trying to take Ling at her word with b? Sounds like you’re trying to put words in her mouth—and feelings in her heart. And a? DUH! Minus 5.
9. The lesson to remember here is that when a girl says she doesn’t like you like that, she means . . . she doesn’t like you like that. Don’t take it as a total rejection. Instead, be content with the great friendship with a cool girl. You’ll still get to hang out with her and do stuff in groups. What an awesome chance to learn more about women. That’s probably even better than taking this quiz.”

This article has some good points on relating to women. Trying to make something happen is true, especially for women.

“Okay, I get the picture. But I’m not sure it applies with girls. After all, prolonged kissing won’t make you a sex addict, will it?”
No. But even this minor step gets old after a while. While your lips are busy, there’s nothing to do with your hands. Or is there?“

These are some good thoughts to consider, especially for teens. It has to do with the level of true commitment one has with each other towards marriage. Both of the partners ways may need be given to God.

“So there’s this girl. Yeah, we know: She’s fun, pretty, spiritually strong, and a good friend. You love hanging out with her, and you’ve started wondering about taking things to the next level—you know, a relationship. But why?
It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. You know each other well. You have fun hanging out together without the awkwardness of being a couple. And you’re getting great practice in learning how to relate to the opposite sex.
So in all your deep contemplation, ask yourself these questions:
• Why do I want this girl friend to become my girlfriend?”

These are some excellent questions to ask regarding the timing of a serious relationship.

“One day she said, ”I don’t think you love me. All you ever want to do is kiss.“ She spat the last word like poison. Her bitterness ran deep. Having thrown away the boundaries, they had ”kissed“ far more than each others lips. She almost gave him back the ring.
Dave wanted to scream, that it wasn’t his idea to kiss in the first place. But he didn’t. Dave knew that being the relationship’s leader, he’d made bad choices. He couldn’t blame her.
The couple backed off to cooler, more manageable boundaries. They stopped kissing, but the scars were there. Scars don’t go away.
When the wedding day came, technically Dave and his bride were still virgins. But as ”technical virgins“ on the most special day of their lives, they didn’t feel too special. They had acted like impatient children at Christmas. The gift of sex had been partially unwrapped. When they finished unwrapping it the night they got married, it wasn’t much of a surprise.
Years later, Dave still feels the sting of his wrong choices. With the clarity of hindsight, here are a few of the lies he believed:”

This is an excellent article that outlines the progression of physical relationships. However there is still an emphasis on the rules, even though it says there are none. The law-based legalism of the culture is what causes the guilt. The Lord just wants us to have as much happiness/surprise that anticipation elicits. The lies need to be given to God so His perspective and way can be lived out in the believers.

“Respectable and
Admirable

A princess doesn’t compete with a prince. Just the
opposite, she builds him up. It’s her admiration and
respect that inspire the prince and compel him to
greatness. When he sees that he’s a hero in her eyes,
it’s no wonder he’s willing to suffer for her. A hero will
go through anything to keep an admiring princess by
his side.
These qualities of princesses from long ago are still the
virtues that attract a prince today. And they’re already
yours. If you’re a daughter of the King, these graces
are your royal heritage. Like Mia in The Princess
Diaries, all you need to do is practice them through
the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s not just a wish or a fairy
tale, it’s the wonderful truth.”

This is a captivating article for teenage girls. The sections about sin are more better stated in terms of giving up your way. After which those loving qualities of God will be lived out in you. It is affirming to know the Father wants you to give him your heart. He wants to give His best to you, especially in terms of the timing of a spouse. May it be so for my girls, nieces and friends, God willing in them.

“ Don’t begin your conversations in a negative tone and expect something positive to come out of it.Be kind and compassionate to one another…—Eph. 4:32(KJV)Am I harboring unresolved hurt or resentment? Sometimes it’s easier to argue about money than to admit when we have hurt feelings. If your spouse has hurt you and you’re still harboring that hurt — or maybe even resentment — you’re going to see everything through that filter of hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you’ll be more likely to overreact.”

This is a good article encouraging on to give God the hurt and anger quickly so His Spirit can bring about an objective conflict resolution discussion with ones spouse. If one is living out God’s life of integrity/compassion/love it inspires the other to do so as well if He/she is a believer. There need not be judgement so honesty and trust can flow freely. These are the core/root issues.

“ The plan needs to be fair and equal for all concerned. Remember that a marriage is a partnership and partners share in all things. Avoid the ”his money, her money“ or the ”I deserve this because“ attitude.”

This is a good article because it talks about the role of spouses to balance the extremes of the other in decisions. One is not sinful because Jesus took the offenses away. Submitting your life or remebering it all is submitted is essential.