Steve McVey:

“‘My feelings were aroused for him’ (5:4). That happened to us all when Jesus swept us off our feet and we trusted Him.

Don’t think it irreverent to view Christ in a romantic way. He is the One who calls us His bride. He is the One who wrote to us in terms of passion and romance. We simply respond to Him. ‘We love Him because He first love us’ (1 John 4:19). We didn’t initiate or set the pace for this relationship. He did. We have simply responded to His irresistible charm, affirming by faith, ‘My beloved is mine and I am His’ (Song of Solomon 2:16)! Like every new bride, our profession of faith in Him is nothing less than the thrilling realization that, ‘I am my beloved’s and his desire is for me’ (7:10, emphasis added)!

I didn’t imagine the idea of the dance as a literary metaphor to describe your relationship to Him. That is how He described it. In Zephaniah 3:17, the Bible says, ‘He will exult over you with joy’ (emphasis added). Strong’s Concordance defines the word ‘exult’(sometimes translated ‘rejoice’) in the following way: ‘To spin around under the influence of a violent emotion.’

One character quipped, ‘I grew up in a church where we were taught that premarital sex was wrong because it might lead to dancing, and now you tell me that the Lord dances over me??’ It’s true, He does. The love of Jesus Christ for you is not just a ‘gentle Jesus, meek and mild’ kind of love. It is a love filled with passion. It is a love that caused your Prince Charming to wield His sword (of the Spirit) and fight the dragon (the devil, see Revelation 12:9) for you!

His love for you is great! One might say that the love of Jesus for you could be X-rated, not because of impurity, but because of intensity. Does that idea make you feel uncomfortable? It shouldn’t, because He really does love you with an intensity beyond human comprehension. You are the pearl of great price for which He paid everything He owned in order to possess you. (See Matthew 13:45-46)

I pray this love for us/clients/schools/the world in all our intimate relationships, especially receiving it from our Father/Mother God.

“You and your husband will then get stuck in an argument pattern…you will pursue him to get him to admit he is wrong and you are right, he will instead defend himself to get you to admit you are wrong and he is right. Eventually you will each emotionally disconnect. You get ‘gridlocked’ over the issue.  If you keep arguing this way, you won’t resolve anything, you will just have a list of ‘hot topics’ that trigger a very strong and powerful pattern of arguing. And to you he will become an aloof, uninvolved, independent, uncaring roommate. To him you will become a nagging, negative wife he has to put up with. This will not lead to an emotionally connected marriage.”

The last of this article offers excellent suggestions to offer just mutual understanding and expected outcomes. May it be so for us and the world.

“Control freaks – that’s what we all are when we try to be in charge of our own lives. God never intended for us to be in control. Controlling things is His role, not ours. ‘My life is out of control!’ people have tearfully said to me at times in the counseling office. What they really meant was ‘My life is out of my control and I don’t like it!’             Imagine a baby holding a pair of new shoes in his hands. He is playing with them and happy they belong to him. His parent reaches down to take the shoes and put them on the child’s feet. All the child sees is that his shoes are being taken out of his hands. He doesn’t like it. He wants to control them and keep them in his hands, but he will never walk in them that way.             The parent takes the shoes from the hand of the child and the baby begins to cry. He is overwhelmed with anger, confusion and regret that his shoes are being taken from him. He screams. He kicks in protest. He is losing control of the thing he loves and wants to hold. He doesn’t understand what his parent is doing. But the parent understands and does what is necessary to enable the child to walk – whether the child likes it or even understands.             The goal is to enable the child to enjoy the shoes to the fullest by walking in them. The parent knows that if the shoes are used for their designed purpose, the child will truly benefit and not simply be amused by them.             Only a baby thinks the highest pleasure is to hold them in his hands. He doesn’t see the whole picture. So the parent overrules the baby’s wishes and does what is needful. Eventually the child will understand. When he does, he is thrilled, and more important than that, he walks. Do you want to walk? What are you holding onto that you need to release? Let it go. God knows what He is doing.”

This is an excellent article for parenting and dealing with the crisies of life. I pray for this rest and openness to genuinely let go of our way after working through the emotions individually/together with others.

SAN ANGELO, Tex. – A Texas appeals court said Thursday that the state had no right to take more than 400 children from a polygamist sects ranch, a ruling that could unravel one of the biggest child-custody cases in U.S. history.

The Third Court of Appeals in Austin ruled that the state offered “legally and factually insufficient” grounds for the “extreme” measure of removing all children from the ranch, from babies to teenagers.

The state never provided evidence that the children were in any immediate danger, the only grounds in Texas law for taking children from their parents without court approval, the appeals court said.

It also failed to show evidence that more than five of the teenage girls were being sexually abused, and never alleged any sexual or physical abuse against the other children, the court said.

It was not immediately clear whether the children scattered across foster facilities statewide might soon be reunited with parents. The ruling gave Texas District Judge Barbara Walther 10 days to vacate her custody order, and the state could appeal.

FLDS spokesman Rod Parker said sect members feel validated, having argued from the beginning that they were being persecuted for their beliefs.

The legal geniuses have spoken. Contrary to this foundation of American marital law:

[W]e think it may safely be said there never has been a time in any State of the Union when polygamy has not been an offence against society, cognizable by the civil courts and punishable with more or less severity. In the face of all this evidence, it is impossible to believe that the constitutional guaranty of religious freedom was intended to prohibit legislation in respect to this most important feature of social life. Marriage, while from its very nature a sacred obligation, is nevertheless, in most civilized nations, a civil contract, and usually regulated by law. Upon it society may be said to be built, and out of its fruits spring social relations and social obligations and duties with which government is necessarily required to deal. In fact, according as monogamous or polygamous marriages are allowed, do we find the principles on which the government of the people, to a greater or less extent, rests…

[P]olygamy leads to the patriarchal principle, and which, when applied to large communities, fetters the people in stationary despotism, while that principle cannot long exist in connection with monogamy…. An exceptional colony of polygamists under an exceptional leadership may sometimes exist for a time without appearing to disturb the social condition of the people who surround it; but there cannot be a doubt that, unless restricted by some form of constitution, it is within the legitimate scope of the power of every civil government to determine whether polygamy or monogamy shall be the law of social life under its dominion.

…[T]he only question which remains is whether those who make polygamy a part of their religion are excepted from the operation of the statute. If they are, then those who do not make polygamy a part of their religious belief may be found guilty and punished, while those who do, must be acquitted and go free. This would be introducing a new element into criminal law. Laws are made for the government of actions, and while they cannot interfere with mere religious belief and opinions, they may with practices. Suppose one believed that human sacrifices were a necessary part of religious worship; would it be seriously contended that the civil government under which he lived could not interfere to prevent a sacrifice? Or if a wife religiously believed it was her duty to burn herself upon the funeral pile of her dead husband; would it be beyond the power of the civil government to prevent her carrying her belief into practice?

So here, as a law of the organization of society under the exclusive dominion of the United States, it is provided that plural marriages shall not be allowed. Can a man excuse his practices to the contrary because of his religious belief? To permit this would be to make the professed doctrines of religious belief superior to the law of the land, and, in effect, to permit every citizen to become a law unto himself. Government could exist only in name under such circumstances.

- Reynolds v. United States, 98 U.S. 145, 165-67 (1878).

…The court of Texas now feels that their belief system does not, in fact, influence those around them or damage children and that it has no interest in offering protection to the rest of society…

It ignored the reality that they COULD prove that 5 girls were being sexually abused, that this abuse was not some random uncle sneaking in under the cover of night but, rather, a socially accepted act carried out under the premeditated sham of an illegal marriage unto which the young girl had to have been forced — seeing as she had no legal ability to consent to such. This is something that the entire community participated in through participation in the ceremonies.

It also ignored the reality that, while these marriages were not declared as such, they did, in fact exist. (It’s really only through an adherence to a legal sham of state sanctioned marriage that they could be ignored in first place…) Thus they were permitted to ignore the actual illegality of the actions in question.

The most striking irony, though, is how they are talking now — having been schooled by an army of lawyers: “We’re being persecuted for our beliefs.” Really? The Texas authorities knew the compound was there for decades — and did nothing. The seizure of children was done because the violation of children reported and discovered was a socially accepted set of actions which then left the other children there defenseless.

They admit that their beliefs advocate something contrary to American law (Though they can lie like troopers on Larry King about having no husbands…) and there is solid proof that some children were illegally married to and sexually used by those older men, yet, the connection between belief and support of action seems to have no legal credibility.

It’s a strange bending of really: “You may believe you are married but we refuse to accept that those marriages could exist. If they can not exist, then no laws have been broken and no one could be harmed by what we just decided does not exist. All that is present here is a group of people believing in a fiction and beliefs can’t harm anyone either (COUGH 911 COUGH) so they should get their children back to continue teaching them to engage in what we have decided doesn’t exist.”

Only a lawyer could make that one make sense…

“But he made no mistake about those who were born of the Spirit and had the mind of Christ. In 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, where Paul could have slammed the believers for their sinning (because they were indeed manifesting many of the things he mentioned) he instead says this incredible thing, ”And such WERE some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God.“ Remember what Paul had said near the beginning of the letter? ”For I determined to know NOTHING AMONG YOU EXCEPT CHRIST AND HIM CRUCIFIED.“ (1 Cor 2:2). He brought up examples of their day-to-day existence to tie it in with the mindset of the world so that they would be shaken from their stupor! These believers were having an identity crisis!! (Our brother) is correct in saying that, ”ALL Believers by birthright, love the Lord“.”

This is an incredible article on not letting the wisdom of the world/religion DULL THE REALITY OF THE NEW MIRACULOUS WORK OF JESUS/LOVE IN THEM FOR BELIEVERS . WE ARE JUST TO FOCUS ON HIM AND NOT SIN. This is my prayer. Amen.

“ Most who hang with me STILL have a lot of personal differences, but we have discovered that those things are not the reason why we are one in Christ and so it is ok to not have to resolve everything. Heck, most of it just kinda fades away in view of the life that we have our eyes open to. Those who turn away do so because of a desire for something OTHER THAN CHRIST. It is so sad to see this happen, but it happens often. Your desires are obvious. You got beat up by man’s religion and finally realized that you couldn’t do or be what they preached. I’ll bet you also realized that those who were doing the preaching weren’t meeting up to the standards they preached! So, if it doesn’t work for the preacher why would you think it’ll work for you? This is how the law operates. It’ll tear you up and spit you out and you’ll go back for more until you finally break. Then the good news sounds FANTASTIC! As it should.

”

This is an encouraging article on only focusing on Jesus and His sufficiency. It is not about being stimulated intellectually enough or being recognized for doing good enough, especially in churches. This is true love and acceptance. It enables us to stay in relationships even though we are different.

“Women at Stage 3 may also be
experiencing the ending of an extramarital
affair, and the ending may not have
been their decision. They may have been
involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could
not progress or who became attracted to
another women who was
single. Women whose affairs are
ending often experience extreme grief.
They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward
their husbands. They are typically unaware that they
are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden
changes in their brain chemistry.
As a result, many will feel that they have
missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.”

This is excellent article shows the feelings one experiences during the progression of affairs. The anger/sadness/confusion/feaars needs to be expressed to God so the block can be removed. An openness needs to be present before God so his best desires and joy for the marriage can flow once again.

“Respectable and
Admirable

A princess doesn’t compete with a prince. Just the
opposite, she builds him up. It’s her admiration and
respect that inspire the prince and compel him to
greatness. When he sees that he’s a hero in her eyes,
it’s no wonder he’s willing to suffer for her. A hero will
go through anything to keep an admiring princess by
his side.
These qualities of princesses from long ago are still the
virtues that attract a prince today. And they’re already
yours. If you’re a daughter of the King, these graces
are your royal heritage. Like Mia in The Princess
Diaries, all you need to do is practice them through
the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s not just a wish or a fairy
tale, it’s the wonderful truth.”

This is a captivating article for teenage girls. The sections about sin are more better stated in terms of giving up your way. After which those loving qualities of God will be lived out in you. It is affirming to know the Father wants you to give him your heart. He wants to give His best to you, especially in terms of the timing of a spouse. May it be so for my girls, nieces and friends, God willing in them.

“ Don’t begin your conversations in a negative tone and expect something positive to come out of it.Be kind and compassionate to one another…—Eph. 4:32(KJV)Am I harboring unresolved hurt or resentment? Sometimes it’s easier to argue about money than to admit when we have hurt feelings. If your spouse has hurt you and you’re still harboring that hurt — or maybe even resentment — you’re going to see everything through that filter of hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you’ll be more likely to overreact.”

This is a good article encouraging on to give God the hurt and anger quickly so His Spirit can bring about an objective conflict resolution discussion with ones spouse. If one is living out God’s life of integrity/compassion/love it inspires the other to do so as well if He/she is a believer. There need not be judgement so honesty and trust can flow freely. These are the core/root issues.

“ The plan needs to be fair and equal for all concerned. Remember that a marriage is a partnership and partners share in all things. Avoid the ”his money, her money“ or the ”I deserve this because“ attitude.”

This is a good article because it talks about the role of spouses to balance the extremes of the other in decisions. One is not sinful because Jesus took the offenses away. Submitting your life or remebering it all is submitted is essential.

“There is nothing wrong with the wife handling the finances in the family if she is the better administrator, but God still holds the husband accountable for the ultimate decisions.When there is an impasse, the wife must yield to her husband and allow the Lord to work it out. As they work together, encouraging one another, God will show them His favor and grace.”

This is a good article minus the judgement about yielding in marriage to a husband. Trusting God to work all things for good is key.

“We are afraid of fear itself. We are afraid because of so many verses taken out of context and used to beat us up with until our hearts are bloody and raw and in agony, and then we fear even more.

It is a very good thing to be secure in our New Identity and realize that MOST fears come from the INsecurity we have been wallowing in and perpetuating for sooo long … fears based on deception and lies that we have fed ourselves and each other.

The GOOD NEWS of CHRIST, which is also OUR GOOD NEWS because of HIM and our NEW IDENTITY in HIM, is the only thing that soothes the pain of so much insanity and insecurity that we endure.
”

This fear feeling is the key difficulty in loving others and God. It is not about the other person at all. Most deep conflicts are not about another. If we do not surrender fears, these feelings reinterpret what we hear. Others feel unloved by distrust. We in turn feel guilty/alone or vice versa. The only solution is consciously resting in Jesus and our new identity on Him based on the true Good News. The basis of our fears is Finished as well.

“Decide to take ”divorce“ out of your dictionary. My husband, Bill, and I have counseled couples back to happiness from all kinds of crises: loss of a child, loss of a home, all kinds of addictions, affairs, and a whole lot of ”I’m tired of trying.“ The Bible does give a few allowances for what we call the 3 A’s (Affairs, Abuse, Abandonment) — but just because you feel you can file for divorce doesn’t mean you should! Look at Hosea and Gomer in the Bible. That’s redeeming love, the kind of love God”

This article discusses the biblical reasons for divorce.

“ Talk about how the two of you would like decision making to work. Would you prefer that the two of you make choices without getting input from either set of parents? Are there some decisions you’d ask one set of parents about, but not the other? Be aware that asking for parents’ advice can be a slippery slope. It may leave them feeling the door is open for them to give you input into other areas, or even to ”correct“ decisions you’ve already made. Credit each other and your in-laws with goodwill toward your marriage”

This is a good article, with the exception where it does not acknowledge conflicts with believers needs to be handled differently. If both couples believe in Jesus’ risenness one needs to approach them as no one party is “right.” Both have the Lord living out His righteousness in them. I like the point that one makes changes themselves and discuss it, if the issue is risen by the other party. This is according to the God’s leading.

The results showed that, unlike many adult networks, there was no core group of very sexually active people at the high school. There were not many students who had many partners and who provided links to the rest of the community.

Instead, the romantic and sexual network at the school created long chains of connections that spread out through the community, with few places where students directly shared the same partners with each other. But they were indirectly linked, partner to partner to partner. One component of the network linked 288 students – more than half of those who were romantically active at the school – in one long chain. (See figure for a representation of the network.)

Ok, let’s cut through to the core of this: Researchers have finally mapped out the sexual connections of an entire school — proving once and for all it’s not the, “Bad kids,” who are having sex. It’s everyone’s kids. No, they are not doing the whole school and, no, they may or may not even be having full on vaginal intercourse (not that that makes much difference to a virus.) In fact, these teens are so limited in their exploration they are each likely only having sex with two different partners — but they are having sex and it’s strikingly well organized.

In my mind, this is a serious assault on the whole silver-ring-thing movement that regularly claims that teens who take their pledge avoid sex or at least limit sex to a very small number of partners. (Though I fully admit it’s never going to be taken notice of…) Reality check: They are all having sex with limited partners.

Not-In-My-Back-Yard thinking is as prevalent today as it ever was. We have a lot of good luck charms we use to convince ourselves that it makes sense — even in the face of research. One of the most common responses to this is simply, “Oh yes, but that’s not my kid — s/he wears a purity ring — and must be numbered in the smaller percentage of students who were not sexually involved.” It’s usually these same parents who are then fighting against the HPV vaccine being administered to their kids or having their kids taught about condoms. (For a brief synopsis of how well purity rings work — not at all — see a recent study published by Medical News Today.)

It’s really easy to believe it will not be your child — and easier still for the teens to believe it won’t be them considering they are bound to know one of the two or three in the entire school who has MANY sexual partners. Trouble is, with the social pressure not to be seen as taking a friend’s, “Leftovers,” there is a self organizing nature to the sexual networks that ensures that whatever diseases one student has are likely to be systematically distributed to the whole works of them.

Sociologists Peter Bearman and Hannah Brueckner (Columbia and Yale, respectively) found that when virginity pledgers do have sex, they are less likely to use a condom that could save their lives than non-pledgers. So, if they are having sex and it is always with limited numbers, then two questions arise: How can we keep kids from even the limited sex they are having (Seeing as the rings are not working) and/or at least keep them from the unsafe sex the rings are CAUSING. Interestingly enough, these same researchers also found that found that adolescents who make an informal promise to themselves not to have sex WILL delay sex, but adolescents who take a formal virginity pledge DO NOT delay sex.

In my mind, that last sentence is key in answering those two questions:

Parental ignorance, acculturated shame (A.K.A: Purity Balls) and the absence of freedom leads to rebellion — stupid rebellion that gets teens pregnant or dead.

Parental knowledge, shame free involvement, the presence of freedom and the provision of options, when coupled with direct and clear teaching about God’s best for your life, leads children to make decisions for themselves and deeply embed those decisions within their own hearts. Strangely enough, they actually manage to stick to those decisions or at least fail to do so in less dangerous ways.

The number of Christian organizations presenting totally false statistics to back up their ring sales, purity balls and opposition to teens being taught about condoms is staggering. (No, I will not link to them.) Apparently, it’s better to go on marketing the same fictions then to admit that our rather macabre little road show hasn’t worked — and then actually parent our kids.

For me, the final irony is that the purity ring was initially a beautiful original creation of Jack McLemore, a Mississippi jeweler, who actually did love, engage and teach his daughter and intended it as a special symbol meant only for her. He never intended it to become a mass marketed control tactic or a quick-fix Bandaid that allows parents to hide their heads in the sand.

“ although it is often biased perception that makes an alternative seem more satisfying, it is possible to become attracted to someone who actually would be more satisfying to you than your mate. There may be something missing in your marriage that you desperately want, and although it might develop later, it also might not. It’s painful to have this realization. It can also make you resentful and angry. If that’s your situation, it’s better to acknowledge it and grieve for the loss rather than letting it erode your dedication to your mate. Otherwise, you could lose all you have built together.”

This is a good article stressing the need to focus on that Jesus took away the bad in your spouse. There is no need for revenge or judgement.

“hings changed on their third anniversary. They made a commitment to each other: No matter what, they would learn how to connect and develop intimacy. They began studying the Bible and praying together, and attended every marriage conference they could find. They made spending time together a hobby; where you saw one, you’d see the other. They took up golf and skiing. For the next 20 years they would have at least one date a week.”

This is a good article. However one needs to surrender the relationship to God to allow Him to develop the closeness in His timing.

“Is that how Jesus became ”one“ with His disciples? No. He understood the value of spending time with them, talking, teaching, dining, and experiencing happy and challenging moments together. There were times when Jesus needed to be alone, but He understood the value of being with His followers, too. In the end, He gave His life for them and they gave theirs for Him — the ultimate testimony of oneness.”

This is a good article discussing that having someone over or being away from your spouse a lot does not build the closeness both desire but are afraid to create.

“Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused — wondering whether she’d made the wrong decision about marriage. She loved Ted and was thankful for him, realizing she couldn’t have asked for a better man. But she struggled with having to give up her ”alone time“ and sense of freedom. After praying, studying the Bible, and getting direction from Christian friends, Nicole began to see that her feelings were normal and that most people experience them.”

I went through those feelings of the loss of my singleness that needed to be grieved. The transition from independence to interdependence is difficult but necessary.

“Desire. You viewed your husband during courtship as you wanted to see him. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally create that person in a way that will make us happiest.”

This is a good synopsis as the reasons that romantic love turns into the friendship stage. If grace isn’t given/received it is unlikely to mature.

“Keeping this idea in mind reinforces the essential role we play within our sacred partnership. The blessing of friendship and tenderness in marriage honors this unchanging truth: A wife’s loving companionship was designed by God to meet her husband’s number one relationship need.Evaluate your level of intimacy with your husband, then consider whether you might have been neglecting your husband’s needs for affection, comfort, and camaraderie. Ask your husband what he would like to experience with you in this area.”

This is a good article the stresses the need for undivided attention spouses need in marriage.

“Money. It’s the one thing there never seems to be enough of and the one thing couples fight about most. She likes to shop and he likes to save. She wants to save for a rainy day and he wants to splurge on the trip of a lifetime. Each has their own definition of needs versus wants. ”

This is a good synopsis of the marital trouble regarding money. The definitions need to be surrendered to God for His priorities to be lived out in His most timely way. Both aspects seem to be the Lord’s will.

“The fact that we are made uncomfortable by the
Bible’s repeated calls to trust God is probably an
indication that we have too often been living like
practical atheists — uncritically trusting
ourselves, not acknowledging God or remembering His
past faithfulness, and failing to meditate on His
trustworthiness.

The Bible repeatedly tells us that to ultimately trust in
anything or anyone but God is a disastrous
mistake:

”He who trusts in himself is a fool“ (Prov. 28:26). The New King
James renders this verse in a way that speaks to many
in our day who are given to thinking their individual
subjective desires are always correct, ”He who trusts in
his heart is a fool.“”

“Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional ‘wiring’ or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complimentarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family). Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well. Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.”

The first part of the article aside, the comparisons between modern and Biblical dating are helpful. They offer so principles that need to be surrendered to have the closest to God’s best.

Can’t Tell the Players Without a Scorecard

“So much subliminal information is conveyed in those first seconds of contact,” says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., a relationship therapist and psychology instructor at Harvard medical school. Okay, so you’re on the clock. Make every second count. Below are 10 ways – in rough chronological order – a woman judges your fitness to be her proverbial daddy.

OK, so, it’s crass, cynical and the entire site is largely focused on presenting a fraudulent image of yourself so you can get into a woman’s pants — but it’s also true. Men who desire marriage would do well to actually look at their hearts and lives and ask whether what is being faked here is actually true for them — and if not, why not?

“Losing something leaves us feeling sad. But as we grow in our relationship with the person we committed to, the grief can turn to joy and contentment. It’s common for young couples to experience various levels of ‘buyer’s remorse.’ That was the case with Nicole and Ted. Nicole had waited for many years to find the right man to spend the rest of her life with. At age 33, she met Ted. Within 13 months they were married in her hometown of Atlanta. Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused, wondering whether she’d made the wrong decision about marriage.”

It is thinking in terms of the family instead of one that closeness/oneness occurs. It is vital i marriage. When this happens you will say I could not have married a better man, as I believe I did. You will enjoy your spouse in the fullest sense, as I do.

“I miss being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.’ And here’s a favorite that marriage therapists hear often: ‘If two becoming one means that I disappear as a person, forget it!’ If you feel like this, don’t think you’re alone or that your situation is hopeless. The following quotations illustrate the fact that the adjustment period from aloneness to togetherness is often complex:”

This is a good brief article on some of the hopeless feelings of marriage that need to be grieved to God. It is challenging to blend personalities and desires together but it is rewarding.

“Desire. You viewed your husband during courtship as you wanted to see him. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally create that person in a way that will make us happiest.So the question becomes, ‘What do I do now that I’ve found out he’s different from the way I thought he was?’ Debating whether he misrepresented himself or you misread him won’t solve anything. Here are three actions you can take. Choose to love him. We’re told in Ephesians 5:32 that marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church. There are inadequacies in the church, yet Christ still loves her.”

This is a good article in understanding the reasons romantic love matures after the honeymoon. I disagree with the judging part of it. Why would we need to judge if everything we have comes from god. It is His job to change/reveal more of our godly character not the counsellor or wife.

“It’s more like ’selective expression.’ He behaved in a way that he figured would increase your likelihood of saying, ‘I do.’ He put his best foot and shiniest shoe forward. Some of his behavior during those days probably wasn’t so deliberate. Thinking of you thrilled his heart during courtship. That type of romantic fire shapes one’s actions; loving deeds come easily to one so smitten by romance. You probably felt the same excitement, with your reactions being affected as well. In Luke 6:32, Jesus conveys this principle with the question, ‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?’ Reciprocating romantic love comes naturally to most people. Over time, it’s common for the romance, and therefore some of the motivation for ‘good behavior’ to fade somewhat.”

This article is encouraging to spouses who feel they don’t love their spouses anymore. I disagree with the word deception. However I prefer the grace term selective expression.

“If it appears your spouse may have viewed pornography on limited occasions in the past, pick a time the two of you can talk confidentially about the matter. You may want to wait until you have a free evening together. One idea is to plan a date. On the way to your favorite restaurant, take three or four minutes to calmly talk about what you have discovered. Then quietly wait for your mate to talk. Be careful not to raise your voice, make accusations of a worse problem, or impart shame. Over dinner or dessert, reaffirm your unconditional love for your spouse. For women, it is important not to shame your husband. Affirm your relief that his connection to pornographic Web sites has been infrequent and not a recent occurrence. Inform him that you’ve deleted the photos and links from your computer. Acknowledge that you love your husband unconditionally, respect him greatly, and realize it’s normal for men to be tempted to look at pornography.”

This article exemplifies a truth encounter with love which one can feel. It does not continue to talk about what it means to encourage a believer that one is to focus on the spiritual self as the physical (sinning one is dead).

“You might think I’d recommend the Internet. Given the high number of Christian dating sites, it’s tempting to think finding love online is a sure thing. But the explosion of technological matchmaking still falls short of real people. According to research by The Marriage Project, ‘The most likely way to find a future marriage partner is through an introduction by family, friends, or acquaintances.’ They found that, ‘despite the romantic notion that people meet and fall in love through chance or fate, the evidence suggests that social networks are important in bringing together individuals of similar interests and backgrounds, especially when it comes to selecting a marriage partner. According to a large-scale national survey of sexuality, almost 60 percent of married people were introduced by family, friends, co-workers or other acquaintances.’ That said, the most obvious place to start is church. But you say the men in your church aren’t ‘worthwhile’ or ‘husband material.’ While it’s possible there aren’t any strong candidates for marriage among those in your congregation, your description of the men makes me wonder about your expectations. What characteristics do you consider worthwhile? What makes for good husband material? It’s important to weigh your answers against the standards of Scripture. What does God consider ‘husband material?’ Traits like integrity, honesty and maturity come to mind; also willingness to leave father and mother in order to form a new family; ability to work hard and provide for a wife and children; openness to babies and willingness to sacrifice for wife and children %u2014 the very thing Christ modeled in His sacrifice for our sin. As to your church, is it an environment that encourages and celebrates marriage? If so, even a lack of single men may not be reason enough to leave it. What about the older members? They may have sons, nephews, grandsons, etc. they could introduce you to.”

This is a good article on the importance of staying on track so you don’t waste time and spare you heartache. I disagree with the marriagablity part. It is God who creates all things including marriage.

“the older have a vital role to play in helping them marry well.”

This is a good article on the importance of older women who are a rich resource with a wealth of life, wisdom, spiritual guidance, and dispassionate objectivity to encourage women. there is also an enlightening survey of where to meet men.

“This sort of deep-seated ambivalence isn’t good for anyone. When your best friend is in a relationship with a man who’s fundamentally ambivalent, you can tell her plainly that she deserves better and should extricate herself %u2014 but when you’re the one in the fraught relationship, it is often harder to see the costs of devoting so much emotional energy to such an uncertain situation. Pots and Pans, Birds and Bees Another danger of endless dating relationships is our tendency to play house. The longer you date someone, the more you become inclined toward a certain kind of faux domesticity. You’re not likely to buy pots and pans with a guy you’ve been dating for two months, but it can seem a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you’ve been dating for two years. This playing house can feel enjoyable, but, in fact, it is disordered. You buy something with someone when you assume you have a long-term future together. But when you’re dating, you have no way of knowing if you have a long-term future, and to make purchases as though you do is to delude yourself. (I know whereof I speak: The list of quasi-domestic purchases I made with those ex-boyfriends could fill up the rest of this column.) Your desire to make long-term investments with someone else may be a useful clue: it may tell you that you do indeed want to spend your life with this particular man. But make the commitment before you buy the accoutrements.”

This is a great article on why we stay in relationships where one is toyed with more than enjoyed.

“We are to use Scripture as the measure of our desires. We are to take every thought, every area of our lives captive to the word of God. Thankfully, ‘attraction’ does play a role in finding a husband or wife. Read Song of Songs sometime. Biblically, however, attraction as the world understands it cannot be the foundation on which a godly marriage is built. Let’s examine two problems with the ‘attraction-as-foundation’ approach to dating and marriage %u2014 one theological, one practical %u2014″

This is a good article on qualities to look for in a mate. It is also an encouragement that God gives us pleasure to make marriage intimacy sweeter.

“While we women exercise trust in God by waiting to be pursued, men exercise trust in God by risking rejection. Because of that, I always encourage my brothers in Christ to sow to godly masculinity and not passivity to be more concerned with their own actions and motivations than the outcome of their pursuit.”

Interesting points except the part about self-righteiousness. One just need faith in the dating season.

“The church reflects God, then, when it upholds unity in a body filled with diversity. The Triune God balances unity and diversity in perfection, and the nature of the Godhead changes how we understand the makeup of the church. God is never separated; in a way we cannot explain, He is perfect unity. Three distinct Persons who are one. And when God redeems a people for Himself, He makes them like Himself, bringing together diversity and unity. Granted, we are not God, and therefore we will never attain perfect unity in our fallen state. But as Christians who have the Spirit, we can pursue unity that reflects our Creator and Redeemer. “

I love the picture of a symphony that blends the diversity of tones and pitches to create one unified sound. This article is encouraging for marital and church conflict.

“biblical basis for why we should be humble. He points out verses which show that God ‘opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’ (James 4:6, NIV). God ‘guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way’ (Psalm 25:9). Scripture makes it clear that God wants us to be humble. Del then goes on to point out the humility seen in Jesus. In Matthew 11:29, Jesus states that He is ‘gentle and humble in heart.’ It also obviously took a lot of humility for Christ to die on the cross. In fact, Philippians 2:5-8 says:”

This is a really good article for married couples hurt by one another. We are to reconcile despite the hurt as long as it is physically safe/ show love/pursural in our hearts again. We do not wait until they change. Christ sacrificed for us while we were still sinners. Our love is to be long-suffering with the hope that one day we will benefit.

” In that case you would not yet be capable of the gift of Self. It wouldn’t be your love but your inability to love that hindered the girl from her true good. My advice to you in that case would be to try, with the grace of God, to become the sort of person who is capable of love. Another possibility is that you really do love the girl, but she doesn’t love you in return. I mean, of course, that she doesn’t love you that way. Whatever joy she experiences in romantic love will be with someone else. In that case, yes, you should back off. You may be tempted to be a pest; don’t give in, because that wouldn’t be loving at all. You may be tempted to pine away; don’t give in to that temptation either, because it is more about self-pity than about love, more about you than about her. If you love a girl who will never love you in return, seek God’s grace to sublimate your erotic love for her into the spiritual love of charity. Be grateful to God that you knew her, but be willing to fall in erotic love with someone else.”

This is a great article on avoiding self-blame. Your love being returned fills you with awe. I disagree with the judgement in places. It is just that another person could be on a different timetable. Be generous in spirit.

“Tom’s expectations about marriage weren’t being met. Through reading and counseling he finally recognized that those expectations were an effort to cope with a painful childhood. Growing up, he’d often been under his mother’s controlling thumb. He’d brought into marriage a vow that he’d never get close enough to his wife to let her control him as Mom had. As a result, he’d never gotten close enough to truly connect with Jill. Tom had to work through his hurts before he could begin to relate to Jill in a more meaningful way. The two of them met periodically over coffee with a seasoned couple in their church, learning what they might expect in each new stage of marriage. They still have struggles. But Tom is learning more about God’s expectations for their marriage. Unless he depends on God for the ability to love Jill, he doesn’t have a prayer to make it happen. He’s also learning that by staying true to his marriage, he’s growing in ways he never thought possible.”

This is a good explanation of the importance of grieving through family of origin issues and surrendering vows. I disagree that we grow. It is God’s work of loving others through us that produces the so called growth.

“In my last article on 1 Corinthians, I looked a little at some of the various contexts that characterized Corinth during the first century A.D. One of them involved these two opposing groups: the hedonists, who thought that various perversities were just fine, and the ascetics, who thought that things having to do with the physical world (e.g. sex) were inherently evil, whereas spiritual things were inherently good, or at least better.”

An interesting article on the extremes of good and evil. I disagree that we are to be made righteoous. We already have been in believing in Christ’s resurrection.

“t’s significant that an elder should be one who manages his own family well (1 Tim 3:4). Paul apparently saw this as a litmus test of how a man will lead in God’s church. By trying to love my wife as Christ loves me (sacrificially, intentionally, perseveringly), I am blessed by reaping the good fruit that comes from a joyful partner and friend. Likewise, my failures are amplified because both she and I suffer. “

This is a good article on the questions of determining singleness or marriage. I find it contradicts in places, especially that it is by God’s grace that we reflect our growth through the Lord’s redemptive efforts. It is helpful to know some of God’s desires come slowly and seem unnatural. However Jesus will make it unmistakably clear.

“he stages of a relationship that start with a glance and eventually lead to the honeymoon, the author charges us three times, ‘Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases,’ or, as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson in The Message, ‘Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe, and you’re ready.’ I often point to this book when people, usually young singles, ask me about relationships and pre-marital sex. They want to know, where, exactly, does the Bible talk about pre- or extra-marital sex, when neither partner is married. They know about the adultery prohibitions, and they agree you shouldn’t have sex with someone who is someone else’s spouse. But where does it talk about not having sex if there is no spouse involved? You have two consenting adults, and neither has made any vow to any other person, so it’s not technically adultery. What’s wrong with that? Does the Bible speak to those situations? I like to start with Solomon’s Song, because it celebrates the whole package of the relationship initial attraction, exciting emotions, longing, and sexual intimacy and it connects all of this to the proper context or timing, “

This is a good guideline on Scriptural guidelines and a vision for love and sex in God’s timing when you are both ready.

“One more thing: remember that we weren’t put here alone. Christians need other Christians to function properly, just like the body needs all its parts in order to operate correctly. So, seek out counsel from those who are trying to adopt God’s heart and mind, too. I’m Starting With the Man in the Mirror Relationships are not supposed to be easy; that was never their purpose. (We’ll explore this purpose in future articles.) In our Western culture, relationships are abandoned so often because we have deceived ourselves into thinking that we are in control of them. When this delusion is exposed, however, we typically do not abandon our false perceptions of ourselves. Instead, we just move on to the next relationship, hoping that it will allow us more control than the last one. If we seek to have a biblical view of ourselves, of other people, and of God, our expectations will shift from hoping that others become like us to hoping that God (through others) will make us more like Him.”

This article offers some basic support and direction. I disagree with the striving part of the article rather than God’s revealing to us that we live in.

“Cling to the promise that — with God’s help — even the most broken marriage can be saved.

Remember, nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to have an extramarital affair. A person has been unfaithful in heart and mind long before he or she begins an affair.

Be patient. It takes time to begin to rebuild trust, love and commitment.”

These are some good prayer points. However the “Why” needs to be directed to God.

“Prior to my infidelity, I had ministered at a conservative seminary for nine years, and had been intimately involved in my church. This background made the healing process more difficult for my wife in some ways, because the things I pursued spiritually appeard to be the same things I had done in the past. In my wife’s words, ‘They didn’t work then to keep you from sin why should I trust them now?’ Being an ‘isolationist,’ I had to force myself to seek solid male Christian fellowship. Daily I am in the Word. Prayer has become paramount in my life, both as a weapon of war and an oasis. Wednesday night prayer group at our church has been a healing balm. The last thing I do before I sleep at night is take my wife in my arms and pray.”

This is a good article on steps to reconciliation after infidelity.

“So your goal should not be to date her long enough until you’re confident marriage won’t be hard, but to date her just long enough to discern if you’re willing to love her sacrificially, and if she’s willing to respond to that kind of love.

Remember that to commit does not mean to settle

Does this mean you should just ’settle’ for the first Christian woman who comes along? No, not at all. You should be making this decision in light of the qualities held out in Scripture for a godly wife, and you should marry the godliest, most fruitful, most spiritually beautiful woman you can convince to have you.

But you also need to be aware that you live in a culture that says the ultimate good in life is to always keep your options open, and that any commitment is inevitably ’settling’ for less than you could have tomorrow. You must reject that kind of thinking for the worldly garbage that it is. Did Jesus Christ settle for the church? No, he loved the church, and gave his life as a ransom for her (Mark 10:45).”

This is a really good article on discussing the importance of grace being revealaed in your partners as the days pass. I don’t agree with the sin paragraph.

“After getting to know Anna for a semester his freshman year of college, my brother began experiencing feelings for her. She was my best friend, so the three of us naturally hung out and they connected easily. Matt decided he wanted to pursue Anna, so one evening he invited her to a coffee shop to talk.

Anna recalls that the music was loud, so my brother practically yelled as he began to tell her all the qualities he appreciated in her. Just as Matt was building momentum, a song suddenly ended. At that moment, every person in that coffee shop heard him say loudly, ‘I really like you.’ Anna, now Matt’s wife, fondly recalls the embarrassment of that moment. That night she was taken by surprise and unable to reciprocate Matt’s feelings, but she was impressed by his directness. Within two months, she had gone from seeing him as my little brother to being enamored with his bold leadership and corny jokes.

Joe may feel like throwing in the towel, but he may be closer than he thinks to a breakthrough. The women in his life aren’t looking for perfection. They are watching for consistent kindness, unflinching respect and honest initiative.

As Joe cultivates these characteristics, women will notice. And Joe may realize they’re not looking for J. Crew Jesus after all they’re looking for Jesus in him.”

Aside from the section about sin/accoubntability rarely produces desire for God which makes sin a non-issue, this article is inspiring because offers “Seeking God’s face” guidelines to seriously consider a potenital martial relationship. The power of prayerful intentionality was the drawing card of me to my husband.

“Your Free-Spirit spouse will not come to any more meetings if all you do is tell him or her what to do. The first draft of the budget is your chance to have your ’say.’ After that, sit back and listen. Accept the fact that your mate has valid input. Remember, you are doing this to coax your spouse into better money management and financial unity and believe me, your concessions are a small price to pay for unity. The budget committee needs to have rules. First, keep the meeting brief. It’s a budget committee meeting, not a Camp David accord. Nerds like me to love to look at all possible scenarios and projections. However, when the objective is agreement with your Free-Spirit spouse, you have about a 17-minute window of opportunity before he or she tunes out. “

Aside form the labels there offer a few key empathy building points for agreement.

“These experiences hint at the type of closeness we hope for in the world to come, where we will be known, even as we are fully known, as we experience an intimacy with God and all redeemed creatures that we can only faintly imagine now. The aches we experience remind us that we still live here, in our shadowy bodies and broken world. But our longings can also remind us that we are moving toward something more. On the most fundamental level, our aches point homeward. As Frederick Buechner wrote, ‘Beneath the longing to possess and to be possessed by the beauty of another sexually %u2014 to know, in the Biblical idiom %u2014 there lies a longing, closer to the heart of the matter still, which is the longing to be at last where we finally belong…. When I think of all the beautiful ones whom I have seen for maybe no more than a passing moment and have helplessly, overwhelmingly desired, I wonder if at the innermost heart of my desiring, there wasn’t, of all things, homesickness.’”

This is a great article on dealing with the longings we all have for Heaven which are misplaced onto others. I disagree with the sinful spouses definition. It is more areas which the grace of God has not been realized, the unmet needs of childhood, and the temptation of the Evil one.

” I’ve been wasting time on guys who aren’t serious, or who I shouldn’t be serious about.’ She hesitated. ‘Um, I wonder if I could ask you something about that. You don’t have to answer.’ ‘Ask and you shall be answered.’ ‘Thanks. It’s not a question exactly. But I’ve been trying to take one of the bits of advice you gave during your talk, and it’s turning out harder than I expected.’ ‘What bit?’ ‘In the ‘relationships’ part of your talk. You know, how we should lower our standards.’ ‘Lower your standards?’ ‘Isn’t that what you said?’ ‘If anything, I urged higher standards.’”

This is a good article on discovering the kind of real strength a man has in relationship.