Q: How do I help my child deal with same sex attractions? A: Start first with yourself and your family. The vast majority of individuals involved in homosexual behavior come from homes where the father was a substance abuser or addicted to some other behavior. Familial abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional) and neglect are much higher among those in the gay community than the general population. Of most significance is a relational breakdown and a lack of bonding between the young person and the same-sex parent. This is especially true between boys and their fathers. This same dynamic is true for girls, but many, many lesbians have also had hurt inflicted by their fathers. Equally important to external signs of unhealthy family interaction is how the young person responds to the home environment. The problem may not be real, but perceived. Whether the problem is real or imaginary, the effect is the same: the sensitive child, as a defense mechanism, defensively detaches emotionally to guard against further hurt. Unhealthy Patterns This destructive foundation may birth a series of unhealthy emotional cycles that foster identification with homosexuality. While all the cycles may not appear in any one individual, many of them will. They are identifiable and progressive. Patterns of Shame and Rejection Rejection is at the heart of the homosexual struggle. Early childhood rejection begins a life of rejection causing self-hate and rejection of one's gender thus generating further rejection, and so it goes on. The person begins seeing his or herself in a diminished, devaluated way, suggesting he or she is defective, inadequate, and unworthy. Most young people who struggle with homosexual feelings have the same attitude towards homosexuality as many others do. The guilt and shame over feelings they can't control or understand produces a continuous self-loathing. Patterns of Fear Many individuals who eventually enter homosexuality seem bound by abnormal levels of fear. Is the world in general a fearful place? Patterns of Envy An obsessive fascination with certain types of people often turns to envy of certain characteristics others of the same sex have (that they don't) for teens contending with homosexual feelings. The desire to possess these traits is a strong motivating force behind homosexual attractions. They feel that finding completion in another who possesses such traits will make them whole and acceptable. Patterns of Isolation Many strugglers describe themselves as "outsiders looking in." This is because they feel different from other people and don't fit society's mold for masculinity or femininity. The result is isolation. Is your teenager the brunt of jokes and name-calling such as "fag," "queer," or "dyke" and, as such, has gone into hiding? Obsession with A "Special Friend" Any emotionally dependent relationship with either gender, regardless of sexual involvement, is unhealthy. Obsession with a "special friend" that continues into junior high years is probably the best indicator of a lack of emotional health and it is most common in homosexual relationships. Patterns of poor same sex bonding. This is sometimes a simple avoidance of same sex friendships or patterns of highly limited connections with such. In many cases, the child will form friendships almost exclusively with the opposite sex but they will not be boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Instead, the young person will be seen as one of the girls/one of the boys and will function as such -- often taking on the mannerisms of the opposite sex in the process. Patterns of negative rumination Bitterness towards those who have caused hurt leads to a critical attitude of self and others allowing the person to rationalize their detachment from others and themselves. Helping a Teen Who Struggles with Homosexual Feelings Once we realize a particular teenager may be struggling with sexual identity, there are a few things we can do. Don't Jump to Conclusions. Some people have occasional homosexual feelings. Others have engaged in homosexual sex out of curiosity or for the thrill of the forbidden. Avoid labeling them. Simply talking with them might enable them to deal with the situation. Don't Overreact. Expect unexpected "revelations." He/she will probably be overly sensitive to any sign of condemnation or rejection. Any overreaction could cause further alienation. They will probably expect you to reject them once you know the truth. By unconditional love and acceptance, you can help break the rejection cycle. Don't panic if they express sexual feelings for you. Sex and intimacy can be intertwined in their thinking. Communicate acceptance. Don't be afraid to affirm them with touching. You are not condoning the behavior by your acceptance of them as a person. The love of Jesus must be activated in verbal communication that is consistent with actions of acceptance, concern, and availability. Take the feelings seriously. The failure to take seriously the feelings of young people is to make light of an agonizing struggle. Listen and empathize and pray. You may not be able to relate to homosexual feelings, but you have experienced rejection, loneliness, hurt, and lust -- share them. Do be a Friend. Friends are the most needed resource, but the least in supply. Establish a relationship of trust. Don't violate shared confidences. Provide a safe place where he/she can share negative feelings without criticism or reprimand. Do Lead Them to Jesus Christ. You are not presenting a moral code or merely the promise of heterosexuality. You are offering Jesus Christ. God is interested in redeeming the whole person, not just their sexuality. Out of a genuine relationship with Christ will come the desire and ability by the Holy Spirit to do His will, even in sexuality. Do See a Whole Person, Not a "Homosexual." Avoid making homosexuality the entire focus of your conversation. Help your teen see himself or herself through God's eyes, as a whole person, not as a sexual being only. The act of homosexual sex is used as a way to seek love and affirmation. Yet that love and acceptance can only come through Jesus Christ. Also, do not label the teen a homosexual thus validating a broken identity. Do be Patient. Homosexual feelings are not going to change overnight. Get a professional to help. Don't advise the teen to go for counseling unless you know the prospective counselor's stand on homosexuality and the type of counseling they will give. As the teenager gets into counseling, stick with them. They will still need your friendship and support. Help is available through Henze & Associates, through our Session Notes as well as through calling (403) 819-3545. Henze and Associates home page (Loads in a new window).